Safe in My Womb

Slideshow

2008-10-10T17:08:00.001-05:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2/04/06

2008-06-23T19:54:00.000-05:00

I just had the first of many breakdowns I am sure will occur today. Part of me wishes that we weren't even having this. She deserves a memorial, but I just can't take it. I need to print some pictures for her photo album. Another tough task. Only 3 more hours. I hope it goes well.

2/03/06

2008-06-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

I have been putting of talking about Trey's family because just the thought of them sends me into a rage.

Trey's father didn't come to the hospital when Keiran was born because he "doesn't deal well with this kind of stuff." I was upset by this, but I was far too preoccupied to care. We got a call from Trey's mom on Monday saying that he is not coming to Keiran's memorial celebration on Saturday because he has to go out of town. Apparently he has had this planned for a "really long time." Poor Trey was so upset. He was so angry. I have never seen him like that. He scared me just a little. I know the anger was just covering the hurt though. His father isn't a real man. He can't even step up when his only child needs him. I don't care what he is going out of town for. What can be more important than your child?

We got another call on Wednesday night. Trey's grandmother is sick and Trey's mom is flying to go see her. She also will not be at Keiran's memorial celebration on Saturday. Then she asks Trey if he can call and cancel her lunch date for the next day. Are you kidding me? This totally set Trey over the edge. He had a total breakdown. His own parents are not even going to be at their own granddaughter's memorial. Their son is in pain and needs them and they are somewhere else.

How the hell did he come from these two people?

Then comes the cherry on top. Trey's dad left a message on our answering machine last night TELLING (not asking) us that we need to go out to their house if there is a freeze and turn on the lights in the well house and some other random instructions that I was too angry to remember. They live 30-40 minutes away. This is not at all convenient for us. Maybe if they weren't such a-holes they could make friends with a neighbor and have them do it. I hope it does freeze, we don't go out there and they get so mad at us that they never speak to us again. That would be awesome.

2/02/06

2008-06-23T19:52:00.000-05:00

So I am going to try and post my birth story. It may end abruptly as I am not sure how I am going to handle it.

On Tuesday night I woke up at about 10:30 with awful pain at the top of my uterus. It was so bad that I was crying and I normally handle pain pretty well. It was a constant pain, not like contractions. I took some Tylenol, put a heating pad on it and fell back asleep sometime after 3:00. Trey woke up to go to work at 3:30 and accidentally set off the truck alarm by hitting the panic button. He felt so awful. I fell back asleep at about 4:30 and my alarm went off at 5:30 Wednesday morning. I called my mom to ask about the pain. She told me to call the after hours nurse. I didn't think I needed to, but I did anyway. The guy was a JERK. He asked me why I decided to call now after being in pain all night. I started to say because I had to go to work and moving around seemed to aggravate it. I got as far as saying, "Because I have to go to work..." before he cut me off by laughing at me. Guess he thought that I was trying to get a day off. Then he asked my if the baby had been moving like normal. I told him that I normally don't feel her move. She has trisomy 13 and doesn't move much. So he asks, "Well, is she moving though?" So I just told him, "As much as she normally does." I tried several times to tell him things like that my amniotic fluid was low, I had just recently had a version and that the pain was in my upper back and uterus. I was interrupted each time. He then concluded that I should call the office when they opened because lower back pain (umm, I said UPPER) and pain in the upper uterus weren't signs of labor. Then he asked if this was my first in a mocking tone. He also told me to go ahead and stay home. So I went to work.

I called the doctor at 8:00 and they told me to come in ASAP. I waited in the school nurse's office for my mom to come pick me up (Ha ha, I never realized how funny that sounded). Trey was working really far away and I didn't think I was in labor anyway. I was nauseated and feeling kind of funny, so she took my blood pressure. It was 160/100. Not such a great number. My mom got there and we went to the doctor. Now, in defense of my doctor, I have always received excellent care. There is this one nurse though that doesn't know her butt from a hole in the ground. This happened to be the nurse that checked me that day. She had to weigh me twice because she did it wrong the first time. Yes, she weighed me wrong. When she checked my urine for protein and sugar she stared at the little chart on the bottle so long I got worried. I guess she decided all was well though because my doctor never mentioned anything, and he would have. She even took my blood pressure so fast that my mom even commented that there was no way she got an accurate reading. She got 120/70. I guess going to the doctor soothes me. This lady is a gem. Why I didn't mention my previous bp or my other concerns to my doctor, I don't know. It would have been smart and saved me some trouble in the end. I tend to underestimate the value of my own opinion sometimes. So I was hooked up to the NST machine and Keiran did super. My doctor sat in the other NST chair and chatted with me and my mom. There were only a few little contractions. He sent me home to take a hot shower and sleep. We were walking out to the car and the pain started up again. I just went home.

I didn't shower or sleep, but I did rest. The pain got awful again at about 5:00 that night. I made Trey call the after hours number. I didn't want to chance talking to that man again. It was a really nice woman who happened to know that my doctor was on call at the hospital and called over there to talk with him for us. He wanted me to come in so he could figure out what this pain was.

I called everyone on the way there and told them what was going on. I was having contractions at this point, but they were still small and pretty far apart. I was feeling nauseous again too. I had a coughing fit when Trey was pulling into the parking garage (I was still getting over bronchitis) and the nausea got worse. I thought I just had to burp and relieve some pressure. Turns out I just need to projectile vomit all over the inside of Trey's truck four times. In between each time I was vomiting I was apologizing to Trey. I felt so bad for puking in his truck and he also cannot deal with vomit. He was a trooper though. I actually felt a little better too. We pulled some clothes out of our suitcase and I changed right in front of his truck in the parking garage. I did not care who saw me.

I was admitted and my doctor ordered bloodwork and a urinalysis. He told me that he thought it could be my liver or my gallbladder that was causing the pain. My bp was up again (or still) and my contractions had caused me to dialate to 1.5 cm. When the labs came back he found that my platelet count was low, I had protein in my urine and my liver enzymes were out of whack. He had been predicting it for the majority of my pregnancy and it had finally happened, I had pre-eclampsia. They started me on magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures caused by high blood pressure. The stuff made me feel awful. Better than having a seizure though. He also told me whenever I wanted an epidural to just say the word. I said the word pretty quickly as my contractions were get more intense. They also decided to help my body along and give me some cervidil. I like cervidil. Very good stuff. During the epi the poor guy had a hell of a time fitting the needle where it needed to go. Turns out I wasn't sitting in the right position. He tried for so long that the numbing agent wore off and he hit a nerve. It felt like every nerve ending in my right leg had exploded. I almost looked at my leg to make sure it hadn't actually exploded. He numbed me again. I repositioned my body and it went right in. I also like epidurals. Very good inventions. Unfortunately the epi caused my bp to plummet making me throw up some more. After that though everything was good. I actually slept until 3:30 the next morning.

When I woke up I had this urge to push. I called the nurse at about 4:00 and she said I was 10 cm. I about had a heart attack. We called everyone. They doctor came in to check and said it would still be a while, but if bearing down helped I could do it. Oh, it helped and I did it. My parents, uncle and MIL all got there and my sister was still on her way when I thought I felt something coming out. My mom checked and sure enough there were some baby legs hanging out. I called the nurse and a bunch of them came running. I asked them if they wanted me to try and stop pushing, but they said to go for it. I pushed twice more and she was out.

It was really quiet after that. I asked if she was alive. I knew she wasn't though. The nurse told me there was no heartbeat. The cord wasn't even pulsing. She had been gone for a while, but not really long because her coloring was ok. She looked like she was sleeping. She was absolutely perfect. I was so calm. I was a woman on a mission. All I wanted to do was hold her, kiss her, look at her, tell her I loved her. Dead or alive it didn't matter. I wanted my baby. They gave her to me as quick as they could. I counted her fingers and toes. There were 20. We had miss counted on the u/s. I couldn't believe how much she looked like Trey. He got to hold her then too. Seeing him hold his child for the first time was so amazing. He kept rocking her and patting her. He looked so natural. Then while I delivered the placenta they cleaned her up a little. I wanted to give her a bath, but they said that they weren't sure how her skin would react. I couldn't have dealt with that, so I just held her.

My sister came in not knowing she had already been born. The look on her face was awful. She felt so bad that she hadn't been there for her birth. She kept apologizing. She got to hold her next. She just kept saying how beautiful she was.

I'll have to finish later...

2/01/06

2008-06-23T19:51:00.001-05:00

While I am still waiting to post a picture of her sweet face, I have decided to post the picture that we are using for her announcements.

Those are her little feet in Trey's hand. My hand is barely visible underneath. I love this picture.

The wonderful women on my birthboard set up a March of Dimes memorial band in honor of Keiran yesterday. As of this morning there was already $750 raised. I feel so honored and so completely unworthy. I never thought that we were doing anything extraordinary, but so many people have reached out to us. I feel so honored that my little girl's life, however short, has touched so many.

1/30/06

2008-06-23T19:48:00.000-05:00

It has started to really sink in today. This is the first day that family has not been here hovering. It has just been me and Trey all day long.

We signed the papers at the funeral home today to release her body for cremation. I was ok until the actual signing. Right next to my name I had to write my relationship to her. I got to write "mother" for the first time. It was so bittersweet. How can so many things be awful and wonderful at the same time?

My blood pressure has also been crazy today. The last time I checked it was 119/70. The worst it was today was 164/97. I am hoping that my body stops deceiving me soon. I can't put up with anything else.

An all encompassing sadness has come over me. It is awful. I keep pushing the tears back, but it is only a matter of time. Once they start to flow I know that I won't be able to stop them. I just want to be alone, but I know I will hurt Trey if I tell him to just leave me alone. The last thing that I want to do is hurt him. He'll probably end up making me feel better anyway. I'm not sure I want to feel better though. I just want to wallow for a while. Keiran deserves to be mourned.

We got back a few shots from the photographer today too. They were so beautiful. I can't wait to get the rest. Looking at them is yet another thing that makes me so sad and so happy at the same time. God I just want to hold her one last time. I want to feel her soft little cheek once more and kiss her little fingers. I have to keep reminding myself that is just her body, her soul is in heaven. It doesn't console me much though.

1/29/06

2008-06-23T19:47:00.000-05:00

I got home from the hospital yesterday. It has all been such a blur. Sometimes I understand what is happening and other times it feels like I am not really in my body. Like I am reading a really sad story about someone else. Then all of the sudden reality sets in for me and it hits really hard all over again.

My family has been amazing. They have been here supporting us continually. I am so blessed to have them. They are willing to talk about her and tell me how much they love and miss her. This is so wonderful for me to hear. It is what I need.

Trey and I seem to alternate times when we have breakdowns, so we have been able to lean on each other. I have never been as in love with him as I am now. I see the wonderful man that he is with every thing that he does. He never left my side in the hospital except to eat or to get some air. He slept on those awful uncomfortable cots even though I told him to go home and sleep. We have hardly been apart since labor started and I have no idea how I will make it through when he goes back to work in a week. I don't even want to think about it.

I'm not quite ready to post about her labor. I want to. I just don't quite want to relive it all just yet. I do want to talk about how beautiful she was. She looked so much like Trey it was amazing. I have always had a hard time telling who an infant looks like, but this was unmistakable. She had my long fingers though. God, she had the most beautiful baby hands I had ever seen. She was so perfect I kept waiting for her to wake up. I examined every little part of her so that I could memorize it. Except for her eyes. I never opened her eyes. That was the only thing I was afraid to look at. She had Trey's little chicken legs too. She was so long and thin. Trey had been calling her our super model baby because of her u/s measurements. He had it dead on. 19" at 4 lbs 12 oz. She also had these big ol' feet like Trey. I was amazed when they took her little footprints. Gosh she looked so much like her daddy. Oh, she did have blonde eyelashes like me and light hair. It was the color of her Aunt Jennifer's hair.

The hospital staff was amazing. They had a very discrete way of letting everyone in the hospital know that we had experienced a loss. There was a little picture of a falling leaf with a drop of water on it that was placed on the door of our room. This way everyone knew what was going on. It was perfect. So many people told us how sorry they were and no one was afraid to ask her name or talk to us about her. One man even said congratulations. I appreciated that so much. Yes, it was so sad and awful, but like Trey expressed to me, this was simultaneously the best and worst day of our entire lives. We got to meet this beautiful little girl that was born of our love and she was taken away too. It was amazing that she made it as long as she did. Though I am a little bit bitter that I could not meet her alive, I finally got to meet her. She was better than I could have ever imagined.

1/23/06 part 2

2008-06-23T19:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, so hopefully I can finish now. I have been having severe pain since Saturday. I woke up this morning at 12:30 in tears. The pain is awful. I am so glad that I had some vicodin left over from the sciatica. It is the only way that I could sleep. Poor Trey wanted to take me to the hospital. I didn't have a fever so I thought I would be wasting their time.

I can deal with the pain part. I can mostly cope with Keiran being so sick. I can not do it all anymore. I feel like people are tired of hearing about it. This is the point where I need to talk about her the most. I am so scared all the time.

Everyone at work asked me how the version went so I got to retell the story 30 times. It killed me. Then I would get to the part where I say that my doctor wants to deliver her breech and they would always make a face. Why does every woman that has ever been pregnant think that they are an expert? Ok, so that is a gross generalization, but it is how I am feeling.

I am so torn too. He told me all of that bad stuff about her coming breech and then seemed kinda positive on Friday. I don't know what to think and everyone is telling me what to do. That was part of my breakdown on Friday. I just freaked out. I told Trey that I was so pissed that I was the only one that was fighting for her life almost 6 months ago and now everyone was telling me the best way to do things.

Then I venture back into the dark depths of "What did I do to deserve this?" land. It is an awful place to be. I hate self-pity, but I can't stop it. I have done everything that I think is morally sound through this whole pregnancy and I still feel like I am being tested or punished. I have been told time and time again that God only gives you what you can handle.

Ok God, so here's the deal. I am no longer a woman on the edge. I am a woman that has fallen off. I am crashing down just waiting to smack the bottom. I know that You are going to take Keiran from me and I have come to accept (though not like) it. I will see her again. I know this with all of my heart. This terrible journey has been punctuated with problems. This I can also handle. I can deal with physical pain and I have shown that I can mostly cope with the emotional. Trey and I are closer than ever and I have turned to You in my bleakest moments. What I am having such a hard time with is why now there are so many problems. She is breech, her amniotic fluid is low, and there are no signs of her coming into this world. God, my one wish was to meet her alive and it feels like You are taking that from me too. Something has got to give. Either I need a small miracle in the form of a safe labor or I may smack right into that bottom I just talked about. I've tried prayer and I know that there are people across the world praying for us too. Please God, just this one favor and then you can take her to be with you.

1/23/06

2008-06-23T19:41:00.001-05:00

OK, so I am ready to talk.

I was a wreck going to get the version done on Friday. I told myself not to expect much, but I guess I was just kidding myself. My hopes were way up that they could get her to turn. They couldn't start the IV after trying twice, so they just shot me in the butt with some very nice drugs. Then they gave me another shot to relax my muscles, but it made my heart race and my BP go up. Like I needed something to get my BP up. So he tried twice and I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. Ha, that was a joke. I tried mostly to remember to breathe. They thought that they got her the first time, but she slipped out from his fingers. The second time hurt even more and I knew it wouldn't work. My mom told me that he was pushing so hard that his arms were shaking. I'm so glad that I closed my eyes.

They let me go after about an hour or so. They wanted to drugs to wear off. I was so disappointed. I just wanted this seemingly simple thing to go right. It couldn't though. Now he wants to deliver her breech. The good news is that we did find out that her head and abdomen are the same size and her little butt is in my pelvis which is the best possible position for breech birth. I have also spoken with many people that have given birth to breech babies. One little girl in my class was delivered breech. Her mom was telling me about it this morning. I still need to talk to my doctor about what is best for Keiran. I want to do right by her.

1/23/06

2008-06-23T19:41:00.000-05:00

OK, so I am ready to talk.

I was a wreck going to get the version done on Friday. I told myself not to expect much, but I guess I was just kidding myself. My hopes were way up that they could get her to turn. They couldn't start the IV after trying twice, so they just shot me in the butt with some very nice drugs. Then they gave me another shot to relax my muscles, but it made my heart race and my BP go up. Like I needed something to get my BP up. So he tried twice and I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. Ha, that was a joke. I tried mostly to remember to breathe. They thought that they got her the first time, but she slipped out from his fingers. The second time hurt even more and I knew it wouldn't work. My mom told me that he was pushing so hard that his arms were shaking. I'm so glad that I closed my eyes.

They let me go after about an hour or so. They wanted to drugs to wear off. I was so diappointed. I just wanted this seemingly simple thing to go right. It couldn't though. Now he wants to deliver her breech. The good news is that we did find out that her head and abdomen are the same size and her little butt is in my pelvis which is the best possible position for breech birth. I have also spoken with many people that have given birth to breech babies. One little girl in my class was delivered breech. Her mom was telling me about it this morning. I still need to talk to my doctor about what is best for Keiran. I want to do right by her.

1/22/06

2008-06-23T19:40:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to thank all of the lovely ladies that expressed concern for me. I am ok, just really down. I've cried no fewer than 10 times since Friday night. I thought at first it me just coming off of the drugs, but it is still hanging on.

I am giving myself a break though. I have been able to hold it at bay since August, so I deserve a little "poor me" time.

I really appreciate the emails. I will answer them soon.

1/20/06

2008-06-23T19:40:00.003-05:00

Didn't work. I'm too depressed to go into more detail. It just didn't work.

1/19/06

2008-06-23T19:40:00.001-05:00

I am going in for the external version tomorrow. I have discussed my fears about it with my doctor and he seems pretty positive that it won't hurt her. He said that she is small and it should be less traumatic than if she was bigger. All I can do is pray....

I am having a hard time recognizing myself lately. I am a little crazy, ok probably a lot crazy, but I am only admitting to a little. I am so tired and just completely worn down. I was diagnosed with bronchitis on Monday and even though I have been taking the antibiotics, I am still feeling awful. I think part of it is just the pure exhaustion.

I am also supposed to get my official letter saying that I am being transferred and I am not even going to be there to get it. I am going to frame that bad boy. It will be a wonderful new start.

I told the kids that I was going to be out tomorrow. One of them freaked out on me. I told them that I was going to get the baby flipped (I try to be honest with them, but not give them more than they need to know). One of them asked me if I was going to die. I guess he envisioned them slicing me open. Eeesh. I just told them that they are just going to push her around in my tummy. No one was going to be hurt. He was better after that. Guess I should have just made something up. I don't like lying though. Plus, I didn't think that vision would pop into his little head. Gotta love kids.

One of my sweet little girls asked me when she was coming. I told her any day now. She said, "Mrs. Little, when she comes I want to keep her." I about cried right then and there. Me too, I want to keep her too.

1/16/06

2008-06-23T19:39:00.001-05:00

I've been needing to write for a few days and just haven't had the time.

Well, we went to the OB on Friday and he told us something that made my stomach turn. I know he is just doing his job and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he didn't even want to mention it. He told us that delivering Keiran breech wouldn't be considered "unethical" because of her condition. He then went on to explain the awful things that can happen to babies that are delivered breech. Her head is larger than her shoulders so delivering breech would mean possible skull fracture, facial bruising and possibly death. He told us this and then told us that it was something to think about. I don't think he was really happy about that prospect, but felt he had to tell us.

I thought I was ok (don't I always?) and then Trey was driving home and asked me if I was ok. I said, "Ummm, no!" and burst into tears that I didn't even know were coming. Just the thought of hurting her was too much. We are obviously going to tell him c-section if she won't go head down.

I have to go to the doctor today. I have had this awful cough for two weeks and my chest is starting to hurt from coughing so much. I am not sleeping well and I am running a low grade fever. I am hoping it is nothing, but I need to get it checked out. I seriously hate going to the doctor. I just can't imagine going into labor with this cough.

I am kind of glad that I have something to focus on besides Keiran living. I have been able to focus on her flipping. It is a much easier thing to think of. I did feel a ton of movement yesterday. I know that she moved because her head isn't on the right any more. Just how much she moved I don't know. I hope she was a good little stinker and flipped all around for us.

1/11/06

2008-06-23T19:38:00.002-05:00

I am such a disaster lately. I am blowing up at the slightest provocation (whether imagined or not). I don't even know myself right now. I hate this person. I can logically understand where this intense anger is coming from, but I still hate what it is doing to me. It is also all directed at one person and only one person: my poor Trey. I have had to apologize twice in the past two days for my behavior. This brings the grand total of times I have been a complete jack ass to him with him doing nothing to deserve it to about 3. I am normally pretty sane. He says that he understands and that there is nothing to apologize for. Where did this guy come from? I can do no wrong it seems. I decided to throw a cup of dog food last night because I got so angry. I don't remember throwing it, I just remember dog food all over the floor. He says that I didn't throw it at anything, just down on the ground. This scares the crud out of me. I am not violent. I don't even recall doing it. I need to find a better outlet for this anger that has so suddenly amassed. Normally I write here in my journal, but lately I have found myself censoring what I am writing for fear that people will judge me. This is in no way logical becuase I have never received anything but support. What is going on with me?

The closer it gets, the closer I get to losing my mind. I feel like I am waiting for the worst day of my life. That is an awful feeling. I am a complete disaster. I get on the computer when I get home to unwind. Trey jumps on the PS2/XBOX/Gamecube and we don't talk about it. Maybe that it what I need a big giant talking crying fest. He shies away a lot. He hates to see me cry.

I go to the peri tomorrow and I am always a wreck after that. Then Friday I go to the OB so he can check myu cervix. I don't know what I want him to tell me. Just when I think that I have everything all figured out I change my mind. I love Keiran more than I can ever express. I feel so horrible that I am dreading everything as much as I am. There is only a 10% chance that she'll live through her first year. I have hope, I just need to maintain some sort of level-headedness about it as well. I haven't written her off, I just don't want to be too excited. There are still so many things that can go wrong. One woman I talked to lost her T13 baby to seizures. I never even considered seizures! There are so many things u/s can't see. I just want to try and be ready. It is an impossible thing to do though.

So here I am am caught in this purgatory between hope and despair and feeling like a horrible mother/wife/person for being so lost and scared. Yes scared, that is it. That is the best word for it all. I am so scared

1/08/06 part 2

2008-06-23T19:38:00.001-05:00

So, apparently I am not enough of a wreck. I decide to go and finish packing my hospital bag to complete my cruddy mood. I took some pics of the little clothes that we bought her.

Here is her christening gown. I says that it fits up to three pounds. If it doesn't fit her we are donating it to the hospital. I'm sure there will be some little child whose parents didn't get to plan like Trey and I have been able to.

If she gets to come home we bought this outfit. I love little baby jackets. I had to have it. It is preemie size, but I am thinking that she may still be a little small for it.

1/08/06

2008-06-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

The closer she gets to being born, the more depressed I get. I know that she deserves more, but I'll be damned if I can talk myself into being happy. Everything baby is depressing me more and more. I'm not too fun right now. Sorry.

I was so awful to Trey and I couldn't figure out why. My sister, my mom and I went out and bought my niece a bunch of stuff. I didn't figure out until later that was what was upsetting me. It never has before. I told him what was up and apologized. He totally understood. I don't expect this to pass until after she is born...much later probably. I feel so bad for the people around me right now.

1/06/06

2008-06-23T19:36:00.000-05:00

So much is going on. They finally hired a new teacher for kindergarten! I am so happy not only because I now have 19 little monkeys instead of 24 but the woman that they hired is my best friend! She fits in so well. We used to kid about teaching at the same school when we were in college. Now we really are. I am so thrilled.

I also found out that I am probably going to be transferred to a new school in our district for the next school year. Well, nothing is set in stone, but I was told that the principal is "looking at me." I feel that this will be a very positive thing. I have heard great things about the principal and I have never taught in a brand new school! I can only imagine how nice it is going to be. This is also a very different population than I am used to. These are going to be rural/farm kids as opposed to the urban/apartment kids I have now (our district encompasses a rather large area).

I had my appointment yesterday and while my cervix is soft, I am not dilating. My doc asked me to try and contract a little. I told him I'd do my best! I think he is a great guy. Trey couldn't come with me so my mom did because I am always freaked about being alone and getting bad news. So he turns to my mom and says, "She's great isn't she? Actually they both are." Of course my mom fully agreed and started talking about how strong we've been. He then told me, "You don't have to be strong for everyone else. If you need to throw something or scream, no one is going to blame you." So I start to tear up because that is what I do. I thought that was really sweet of him. He has been so supportive through everything and he has even asked me before if he was too negative or if sitting on the waiting room was too painful for me. I am so glad that we switched doctors (at the nurse's suggestion actually). He is taking care of me physically and emotionally. He's a great guy.

I cried on the way to work today. Ha ha, there is nothing new there. There was some sappy song on the radio that made me think of Trey and how wonderful he has been. I wake him up all of the time to tell him that I can't sleep. I really shouldn't, but I get so bored and I want some sympathy. He has never gotten upset with me and most of the time he'll stay awake with me and keep me company. He was so excited when he felt Keiran get the hiccups on Wednesday. I love when he can feel her. Unfortunately, she isn't much of a mover, so he doesn't feel her that often. He came home in the greatest mood today. I got out of my truck and he bent me back to kiss me. He is such a goof. I love when he is like this. He is in there making dinner now. What a guy.

Oh, the guy backed out that we were trying to sell the car to. I am not surprised and a little relieved. He called twice after they left to ask strange questions. I think that it was going to be a big problem anyway. We are re-listing it for a little cheaper to try and move it. Whatever will be, will be! I am not upset about it at all.

That is all for now. Things are going well. I am off to wash my first load of baby clothes. This is a big day for me!

1/02/06

2008-06-23T19:35:00.001-05:00

Tough day...not even worth talking about though.

Tomorrow the kids come back. I sure hope we have a little "honeymoon" phase this first week back.

I find myself not being able to focus much on what I need to. I can't focus on work or getting my stuff ready. I can only focus on my family right now. I am on auto pilot and feel like there is a mountain looming in the distance. I can't see it, but I can feel it. I am going to crash soon. I am honestly surprised that I haven't already. It is simply a matter of time I think. Small things feel like tragedies because I am on the edge. At least I can see it coming.

I'll recover though. I know that I will.

I posted on a T13 site. I was asking what I should expect. I asked what did they know about their children before they were born. I asked what do I need to think about that I haven't already thought of. What medical issues cannot be picked up by u/s. I didn't get many answers. I got a lot of supportive replies, but still no answers. I don't know what I was hoping for. So, here I am just sitting and waiting again. I should be happy that I am sitting and waiting. That means that she is still alive. I am happy, but it is torture too. How the hell can I be feeling so many deep emotions at once? Am I insane yet? Maybe I am being melodramatic. That isn't really my style though. I've never had a taste for making life more complicated than it already is.

I am not looking forward to seeing most of my fellow teachers tomorrow. They are all going to ask about her and wonder how I am. I often wonder why they want to know. Some people are drawn to tragedy. It disgusts me. Every time someone has a personal problem in their lives the administration puts a money envelope in the office for them. There will be no money envelope for me. I have left strict instructions with a large-mouthed friend. If they would like to throw their money around then they can donate to the March of Dimes in Keiran's name. The last time that there was a money envelope in the office it was because an aide's son needed to have a boil or something removed from his leg. These people are nuts. If they want to donate their leave to me, well that I don't mind taking. Not going to happen, but a girl can dream, right?

12/31/05 part 2

2008-06-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

OMG I JUST FLUSHED MY TOILET!!!! Who would have thought that sound could be so beautiful???

Now I can do laundry!

..or take a bath!

...and some other things!

12/31/05

2008-06-23T19:33:00.002-05:00

I just need to vent. I am so frustrated.

So, my plumbing is still not working. We rented an auger from Home Depot this morning to shove in the pipe to fix the problem. There was a major kink in the line which made it a PITA to even operate. Trey had a heck of a time. My dad comes over to help. No dice. We call my BIL the plumber and he thinks the pipe may have caved in. Good Lord I hope not.

So we resort to calling Roto Rooter. They are very nice and give us a call when they come out. He charges us $200 to use an auger and try the same thing. That is what is going on now. I sure hope he has some "super auger" and can clear the line. If not, we will be out $200 and will get to dig up the line (oh, it's only 6 feet deep or so... anyone have a back hoe?) and attempt to fix it ourselves.

I have had my car for sale (2000 Hyundai Tiburon) since October and we finally sold it today. We got less than I wanted, but I just don't care. Trey promised to get new brake pads and wash and wax it. The guy is getting it for his daughter who is 18, it is going to be her first car. I bought the car when I was 18. I am glad that it is going to someone that will probably love it as much as I did. The guy was so excited. I am sad to see her go. I bought her all by myself. It was a huge thing for me. I financed it and made payments through college. My first new car. I remember how excited and scared I was driving home!

On our way to return the stupid rented auger Trey lost his balance and scratched the crap out of my new truck. He was so upset. I wasn't mad at him at all. I am not meant to have an unscratched car though. About a month after I bought my Tiburon someone in my apt complex keyed it. I cried so hard. Another new car in the lot was keyed too. I guess someone was jealous. I thought it was the end of the world. I know better now!

I feel better. I just wish things wouldn't all happen at once. My mental state is so fragile that one little thing can set me off. I guess I am just so tense because Keiran is coming soon. I woke up in the worst mood yesterday. I'm surprised Trey doesn't find some excuse to leave the house.

Hmm, maybe the clog will end up being on the city's side of things. Ha ha, that'll teach them to chop my trees! Sweet revenge!

I need to nap.

12/30/05

2008-06-23T19:33:00.001-05:00

Trey has been bombarding me with affection. He is always very affectionate with me, but he can't even pass me in the hallway without hugging or kissing me. I knew that something was up. Nothing bad, but he has been a little more needy and attentive. I asked him about it. He told me that he is scared. He said he has no scenarios playing in his head or anything, he is just scared for both Keiran and me. I assume that his fear is pretty normal for first time fathers. I'm sure his is magnified with our situation being what it is. I am lucky in this respect. I get to concentrate on just getting her out. Looking beyond that at this point is too much to think about. His whole family is going to be in the hospital. His wife and child are both going through some pretty big stuff. It must be so scary for him. Poor guy. It would have never crossed my mind he he not been acting differently.

I often wonder what our next pregnancy will be like. I hope that it won't hold the same fear that this one has. I'm sure that we will be nervous, but it won't be like this. I read that you can have a CVS as early as 11 weeks. Bring it on!!! I am so not afraid of needles (and that one was pretty big). I just want to get that phone call where they say, "Everything is perfect." I think about that moment often. I hope this doesn't make me a bad person. I would assume that a hungry person's greatest desire would be for food. Having a sick child, my greatest desire is to have a healthy one. In fantasy land Keiran would turn out healthy, but I don't kid myself with those dreams. I just pray to have the strength for whatever comes.

12/29/05

2008-06-23T19:30:00.002-05:00

Just got back from my appointment. I was worried for nothing. My blood pressure was up a little, but still fine and I lost 1/2 pound. He wants to start checking my cervix next week and as soon as it starts softening, he wants to induce. He is worried that my blood pressure will rise again and Keiran isn't growing, so there is no sense in keeping her in there. I will be 36 weeks Saturday.

Oh a rather crappy note, when we got home there was sewage backed up into our toilets, bath tubs and shower. There is a clog somewhere between our house and the street. How frustrating. My BIL is a plumber though and told us he could come out tomorrow or Saturday with some machine to unclog it. Thank God for him. I just really hope that our oak out in front didn't grow into the pipe. There is no way that the city is taking another tree from me! They killed my Hackberry, they aren't getting the Oak!

I am blaming the whole deal on pregnancy constipation! :P

12/29/05

2008-06-23T19:30:00.001-05:00

12/26/05

2008-06-23T19:29:00.004-05:00

It has been a while.

Keiran really freaked me out on Saturday and Sunday. I could not get her to move. I was poking, prodding and smooshing her, but she would not move for me. She has never been very active. The doctor told me that babies with chromosomal abnormalities tend to be less active in the womb. He told me that once he was caring for a woman during her fourth pregnancy and she knew something was wrong with her baby. She was of advanced maternal age and refused the amnio. She knew that something wasn't right though because he wasn't as active. Her little guy was born with Down Syndrome. I got her to kick me more last night though. I was so relieved. I am hoping that she has just flipped back around and is kicking the placenta.

I can't wait to meet this little girl. She got some presents for Christmas. My mom got her a nice little outfit to wear in the hospital (she outgrew the first one we bought ) and a sleeper. My great aunt sent two outfits and and a little toy, my sister bought her a soft little pink bear, and a friend at work got her a ladybug towel, toy and bath mit. I think that everyone was afraid that it would upset me. It didn't though. I love the fact that everyone has so much hope for her. It is so touching. They view her life to be just as importnant as I do. That is the best thing that I could ask for.

I recently cut and pasted all of the PMs that I have gotten regarding Keiran into a Word file. I had over 26 pages of PMs and she isn't even here yet! I just wanted to send out a to this community for the overwhelming support. This place has truly been a blessing for me.

12/19/05

2008-06-23T19:29:00.003-05:00

I was feeling pretty down lately. I wonder if it possible that the vicodin is contributing to my depression. I have been crying at the drop of a hat. I was at the store yesterday with Trey. We had a great morning. All I said was, "I love spending time with you." That's all it took. I was sobbing on the picture frame aisle in Target. Poosr guy. He just hugs me and tells me he loves me. He must feel more like a dad sometimes than a husband.

So, I haven't taken any meds today in hope that I will stop acting like a bumbling fool. My sciatica isn't too bad right now because I am sitting. School is out and I am so thankful. I might have needed to take some time off if it continued much longer. I love my job, there is just too much happening.

I started packing the hospital bag. I am dealing with it better than I thought.

I am now worried about post-partum depression. I know that it hit my sister pretty hard and I am worried that will happen to me too. I asked Trey to be honest with me and let me know if I worried him. I know that we will be going through so many emotions regardless of what happens. I am just scared that it is going to hit double hard if we lose her.

I have said it before and I am sure that I will say it again. I think too much!

12/16/05

2008-06-23T19:29:00.001-05:00

Keiran has fallen further behind. She is now over four weeks behind. I am so sad about that. A small (and very stupid) part of me blames myself. Did I eat good enough? Logically I know that it is the small placenta, not me. Logic isn't my strong suit when it comes to Keiran though.

She has flipped back around for some strange reason. Little stinker. Now she is head up. I am hoping she'll flip again soon. It really explains all of the weird pressure I have had lately.

I don't even know what to think anymore. A woman I work with came to school today to show off her little girl. She is three weeks old. She never approached me and I never went to see her. I hope that she doesn't think that I am not happy for her. I just can't deal with it right now. A really good friend found out that she is pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for over a year. I am so happy for her. It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant.

I remembered yesterday that we were planning on having my shower in late November or early December. It would have already happened. I cried at the thought of it and then felt kind of selfish. I don't care that I am not getting presents. I just wish that this whole pregnancy wasn't surrounded by such sorrow. Hopefully there will be cause for celebration soon.

I am always a mess after my peri appointments. I cried all last night and then again this morning when Trey went to leave. Poor guy. I really suck to be around lately.

12/14/05

2008-06-23T19:28:00.003-05:00

It seems all I ever do in this journal is complain. I'm sure that it isn't too much fun to read.

Last night Trey and I talked about when we want our next child. I have given up feeling guilty for thinking about it. I have been reading and thinking a lot about it. I am well aware of the fact that I could never replace Keiran. I would never want to. See will forever be my oldest and my first child. We are pretty much on the same page. We do not want to start right away. I told him with my feelings as they stand right now, I would like to wait a year or so. He didn't want to wait quite that long, but said we will do whatever we need to. I would just like to give myself time to mourn Keiran if she passes soon after birth. I know that sometimes getting pregnant can help the mourning process. We have decided to keep our minds and hearts open and decide after what ever comes to pass is over. Does that make sense?

My doctor gave me some vicodin for my sciatica. I was feeling a little better so I thought I was super woman and walked around all day long. Gosh I am a dumbass. When the meds wear off my right side screams in pain and my ankles don't even qualify as cankles. They are more like thankles. I am so gross. The words "stuffed sausage" come to mind when I look at my legs. It is very hard to stay seated with 24 kids continually testing their limits. I shall do my best tomorrow. Thank the Lord it is the last day of school. I hope that I survive!

I saw the doctor yesterday. Keiran's heart kept skipping beats. I am more freaked out than I let Trey think. I don't want to lose my little girl and especially not while she is still in me. I am supposed to protect her. Sweet baby, please stay strong. My OB told me that I could go into labor any day now and it would be fine with him. He keeps expecting my bp to go up or to have some protein in my urine. I am healthy as a horse though. I think that I am finally having braxton hicks. They are actually quite frequent. Maybe my body is getting ready. I want to hold her so badly.

12/09/05

2008-06-23T19:28:00.001-05:00

So I was listening to a CD and I heard the line, "Never worry about the fall."

That needs to be my new mantra. I need to not worry about what tomorrow may or may not bring. Easier said than done!

12/08/05

2008-06-23T19:27:00.001-05:00

I am starting to get so sad again. I normally love Christmastime, but I am in such a funk this year. I think it is a combination of factors. I think it is worrying about my Keiran, this literal pain in the butt with my sciatic nerve (I had no idea that it would hurt so mcuh) and the fact that I got another child in my class yesterday. That makes 24. Which, by the way, it two over the state limit.

So... I am in a constant state of worry about Keiran, I am so super stressed at work ane I am having to roll around in this chair because the pain of walking is too much. My classroom is so over-crowded that I cannot even fit between the tables and the kids are taking full advantage of my immobility and are beign totally turkeys (just to let you know I did not want to write turkeys, but chose to censor myself, I am at least a little sane). I honestly love the children. I really do. There are just too many, my classroom is too small, and I have some high-needs children that deserve better.

There is just too much going on. I feel like I just may walk out of the school one day. It is the kids that suffer the most and that just isn't right. No child left behind my ass! They are leaving 97 kindergarteners behind at my school. I think that if we were a TAKS (Texas standardized test) grade, then things would be a little different.

As Keiran's due date approaches I am feeling more and more scared. I am in total denial and haven't even packed my hospital bag. I don't want to. I don't think that I can handle it. (CRAP-OLA I just looked down and my dogs have tracked mud in. Oh well. I like my dogs way more than my carpet). I'll ask Trey to help. My sister told me what to pack. I really should get started. There are other things to do too.

I talked to my MIL today. She told me that she really thinks that Keiran is going to be born this month. That is really odd because my mother told me the same thing and Trey and I have both had dreams about it. Even more reason to get my rear in gear.

One of the books that I ordered got here last week and the other is still MIA. The one that isn't here yet is the one I wanted to read first. I was reading parts of the other one though. It is called Trying Again. Trisomy 13 was the rarest chromosomal abnormality listed. Its incidence of live birth per 1000 newborns was 0.1 and its incidence of stillbirth/death shortly after birth per 1000 babies was 5. Does NOT inspire much confidence. What on earth inspires me to torture myself with these statistics?

12/05/05 part 2

2008-06-23T19:26:00.002-05:00

I just got done e-mailing Jennifer to hammer out the details. Ahh, I hate making these decisions. I am so completely emotional too. How can I decide?

Work is sucking. The district decided to NOT hire another teacher and we have 2 new students enrolling tomorrow. That means I will have 24 in my class and someone else will have 25. How can I seriously teach with that many children. Our rooms are small and I have one more seat until I have no where else to put my kids. It is ridiculous. I am so busy redirecting behavior that I am not getting anything done. I am hating my job and it isn't fair to the kids. I work in a high poverty area and these kids need me to be loving and level-headed. I am not currently meeting either of these standards. I am so sick of kindergarten not mattering to the administration. They want these kids reading by the end of the year, yet are shoving them in like sardines. I am truly disgusted.

I had a serious cry fest on Sunday. I was a mess all day. I was really tired of being in pain. My hips have started to spread and my tailbone is killing me. I can't sit. I can't stand. I most certainly can't walk. When I lie down is the only time that I get any relief. You can imagine how possible that is teaching all day. I hardly even sit. So I started whining about feeling bad and then felt so guilty. This pain means that Keiran has made it this far and I sould be so grateful. But there I was *****ing about it. I need to count my blessings and quit whining. She may never even get a chance to breathe and I am crabbing about everything. I feel like such an awful mother.

Seriously. If one more person says that I am waddling, I am going to deck them. Do I tell you that your ass is big or that your shoes are ugly? Then don't comment on how I walk.

12/05/05

2008-06-23T19:26:00.001-05:00

Ok, I am on my lunch break and have 8 minutes to spit this out. I need more time.

Ok, so I have been talking with this wonderful woman named Andrea (mylittlelaneyangel) from pg.org. She is a photographer and found a photographer here in Austin to take Keiran's pictures after she is born. How WONDERFUL is that? The photographer that she found is great (www.jenniferturner.net). She donates her services to terminally ill children. Even if Keiran is stillborn, Jennifer will take her pictures. Andrea took it all upon herself to arrange all of this for us. I am continually amazed at the kindness of others. Andrea you are an amazing woman!

Dang out of time... I have so much more to say!!!!

12/01/05

2008-06-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

This week has been crazy. My parents moved in with me because they sold their house. They closed on the new one yesterday and are moving out this weekend. I have enjoyed having them stay with us and their new house is even closer than the old one.

I had a dr appointment on Monday and everything was ok. He said that he always thinks that I am going to measure small, but I always measure right on. He says my torso is long. He has begun seeing me every week. It is a little annoying just because I am so busy. It is for my Keiran though, so it is worth it.

I have gained more weight than I will ever admit. I am an emotional eater and well, I've been a little emotional lately. I have been more even lately and have really started to be more careful. I pack it on very easily. It is really the least of my problems. I hope in my next pregnancy that it is the biggest problem I have.

I have to go pick up the monkeys from lunch. I am up to 23 now. They are seriously considering hiring another teacher. I really hope they do. We should know by Monday.

11/27/05

2008-06-23T19:24:00.002-05:00

Ok, I am a big whiny baby and it wasn't that awful. They mostly just ignored the fact that she has T13. Some of them congratulated me and asked my due date. Many of them said that they thought of us a lot and asked how we were. Trey's dad's first cousin was the only one who really talked with me about her. She told me that she appreciated all of the updates and thought about us a lot.

I keep getting e-mails from people saying things like, "I can't wait to meet her." The last e-mail that I sent out to friends and family said that there was a chance that she may be coming home. Apparently this translates to, "She's coming home, throw me a shower." I am so annoyed. I have a slightly estranged friend that is hell-bent on trying to come to my shower. Ummm....not having one. I have already discussed this in detail with friends and family. IF she gets to come home I would love to have a little party for her. Other than that, I want nothing.

People think that this chance she may come home is a sure thing. I can't quite explain why this upsets me so much, but it really does. I am such a realist about every thing that is going on with Keiran (well, I think I am). I am so tired of the Pollyanna act. I need people to understand what is going on and accept it right a long with me. Do I have hope? I sure do. I just hate how people are assuming that everything is ok now. It is not ok. It never will be ok. I guess when it isn't you going through it all, it is easier to dismiss plain facts. I just wish people would think first.

That all sounds really negative. I am not negative about all of this. I love my sweet girl (who had hiccups for the first time where I could feel it yesterday ). I just need to stay realistic so I don't get so blind-sided if something horrible happens.

11/26/05

2008-06-23T19:24:00.001-05:00

I am going to visit my in-laws and Trey's whole family today for their annual post-Thanksgiving meal. I am not looking forward to it. We haven't seen them in almost two years. I don't want to answer questions about Keiran and I don't even want to work at creating small talk. It isn't that they aren't nice, they really are. I just don't have the energy that it takes to deal with this right now. Thank goodness I can play the pregnancy card and we can hopefully leave early.

I don't want to go!!!

11/25/05

2008-06-23T19:23:00.002-05:00

No Thanksgiving this year. Oh well. My poor little niece is on the hospital with RSV and a double ear infection. They are hoping that she can go home today. My poor sister and BIL were so exhausted yesterday. Little Arianna was in the smallest hospital gown that I have ever seen. She screamed through all of her breathing treatments. I just wanted to hold her and make her feel better. I couldn't though. I did get to wash my hands a trillion times.

Trey and I were talking yesterday and we found out that we have both had dreams that Keiran is going to be born in December. How strange.

11/23/05

2008-06-23T19:23:00.001-05:00

I went to the doctor and had the group B Strep test sprung on me. All I wanted this morning were some swab shoved up my orifices with no prior warning. The man is lucky I showered.

Then Trey and I went shopping, came home and then went to see Harry Potter. I enjoyed it. I thought that they did a nice job considering the length of the book. I was satisfied with the cuts and changes.

On October 12 I ordered two books from Amazon. They both dealt with losing a child. Well, as of today they still hadn't shipped (damn me for being cheap with the super-saver shipping) so I canceled them and went to Barnes and Noble. The whole reason that I ordered the books online was because I KNEW I couldn't handle going in there and buying them. I was right. I didn't actually have a panick attack, but I was as close as I have ever come. I couldn't find the damn books and I could NOT bring myself to ask where they were. Trey went up there and discovered that they don't carry them in stock. Super. The woman asked if I had already come in because there was a woman there the week before ordering the same two books. Odd. So we go to check out (they are shipping them to my house) and I start to panic. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, I was breathing so fast and I had to get the hell out of there. I told Trey that I would meet him in the truck and I bolted. As soon as I sit down my sister calls. I answered and the first thing she says after hello is, "What's wrong?" Thank goodness for sisters. We talked and I calmed down, but my arthritis is now acting up in my wrists. I have always called them my "stress indicators." My wrists always start to hurt when I have too much stress. I'm sure this typing is helping a lot. I fell better, but I need a nap now. I need to make cheesecake. I bet Trey would do it for me....

11/21/05

2008-06-23T19:22:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to drop a quick note. I have received so many e-mails over the last two weeks. I have been majorly slacking and haven't replied. I'm SO sorry! I promise I will get to it soon.

Keiran is kicking away and I'm sure that she is growing. I'm feeling some stretching pain and have developed my first pregnant stretch marks. I like them. They mean that she is thriving and I think they are wonderful.

11/19/05

2008-06-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

So the peri on Thursday asked if we wanted to induce. They said with healthy babies that had fallen this far behind they would, but they wanted to know what we wanted to do. It didn't feel right to me. I spoke with the OB yesterday and he agreed. He said that she is small because of a chromosomal abnormality. If we induce she will still have that chromosomal abnormality. There is really no sense in it. I am 30 weeks (TODAY!!!!) and he said that my cervix is not ready. He said it would be an awful ordeal to induce and he didn't want to put me through that. He's a great guy. We told him that we haven't planned on bringing a baby home and we wanted to know what our expectations should be. He said that we very well could bring a baby home and that she may even live until early childhood. Can you imagine? That would far exceed any expectations that we have had. My fondest wish was to hold her while she was still alive. This was too much to even hope for. I know that there is still a huge chance that we won't bring her home from the hospital, but I am willing to hope a little and deal with what comes.

11/16/05

2008-06-23T19:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a while....

I went to the doctor Monday. Nothing new. He wants me to come back on Friday. I also see the peri on Thursday. This week has been crazy. Monday I had the doctor, Tuesday I stayed late at school, today I had my observation, tomorrow I have my peri appointment at 4 and our Thanksgiving recital at 6, Friday I have another appointment at 4:40. I am SO SICK OF GOING TO THE DOCTOR! I am glad that I am in the best of hands. Still, I just can't wait for this week to end!

I had dreams all night about Keiran. They weren't really about anything in particular. I just saw her and held her. She was beautiful. She was about a year old in the dream. She had blonde hair and light eyes. We have always joked in my family that my mom had nothing to do with creating my sister and me. My mom has brown hair, brown eyes and olive skin. My dad is fair with blonde hair and green eyes. My sister and I are both fair, have blonde hair and my sister has blue eyes and I have green. I guess my dad's genes were pretty strong or something. My niece has blue eyes and very light brown hair and her daddy is Mexican!

I always wondered what my children would look like. Trey has dark brown hair and brown eyes. It is funny that I should dream that Keiran has blond hair. I hope I'm right. I may never know though. I was born bald...I am more than making up for it now!

11/12/05

2008-06-23T19:16:00.006-05:00

Oh my goodness! My hopes are officially UP! I tried to fight it as hard as I could, but it didn't work out for me. This morning I thought about what it would be like to hold her when she is actually alive. I haven't thought about that in months. I have even let myself hope that she might survive. If I am let down I can cope. It is so much nicer to have hope than to despair all of the time.

11/11/05 part 3

2008-06-23T19:16:00.004-05:00

From my most recent update

Quote:

My bloodwork came back normal! My BP was still high 153/90, but I have lost 4 pounds since Wednesday. He still wants to monitor me closely because he said it is possible to still be in the first stages of toxemia, but it was a positive appointment. I even talked him into letting me take my BP at home so that I can be calmer. He did tell me to "be lazy."

Keiran is doing just fine. I got to see her better than I ever have. She is still gaining at 2lbs 2oz. She is now head down too. Her kidneys were functioning well, her brain looked good, her heart was looking ok, we got to see her face really good and she doesn't even have a cleft lip! We did count 6 fingers on one hand, but we don't care.

Now I am as confused as ever. I am thrilled, but so scared to get my hopes up. No matter what they tell me I am scared though. I need to go and nap that GD drink gave me a nasty headache.

11/12/05

2008-06-23T19:16:00.003-05:00

Oh my goodness! My hopes are offcially UP! I tried to fight it as hard as I could, but it didn't work out for me. This morning I thought about what it would be like to hold her when she is actually alive. I haven't thought about that in months. I have even let myself hope that she might survive. If I am let down I can cope. It is so much nicer to have hope than to despair all of the time.

11/11/05 part 2

2008-06-23T19:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I am trying to stay busy so I don't think too much. Fat chance.

I can't believe that I haven't posted about the tattoo that I want to get after Keiran is born.

It is a motherhood knot. For each child that you have, you add a dot to the design. This woman had one child. Keiran would forever be honored as my first child. I need to choose a fill color and a location though. I am thinking the middle of my back. I want it some place that I can show people if I want, but isn't too obvious.

I told my mom and she flipped, but she'll get over it.

11/11/05

2008-06-23T19:14:00.000-05:00

Eeesh, I am a nervous wreck already. My appointment isn't for 4 hours! I need to occupy myself with something.

11/10/05

2008-06-23T19:13:00.002-05:00

Not such a super day. I had a little cry fest on the way to work so I called my mom for comfort. She calmed me down and we decided that we would like adjoined padded rooms.

The kids were butt heads. We had a cold front move in (read: it dropped below 60 last night), and like clock-work their ability to listen shifted with the barometric pressure. It is amazing how that happens. I was a very unsuccessful teacher today, but I survived without having a mental breakdown. Hooray for me!

I am so tired of thinking that I am not even going to broach the toxemia topic. I will say this. All I am praying for is the strength to make it through whatever may come. That's all I can really ask for any way.

People say that God only gives you what you can handle. Perhaps he has me confused with someone else???? There are quite a few Jamie Littles in the world.

11/09/05 part 2

2008-06-23T19:13:00.001-05:00

The whole rest thing didn't work out so good. My alarm went off at 5:30 and I was still awake.

I am starting to think that I am cursed.

From my post....

Quote:

Well, I thought it was going to be a boring appointment. Turned out to not be. The doctor was concerned about my weight gain and asked me if I had a lot of swelling. I have been swelling a lot, so I showed him my ankles. They are disgusting. I assumed it was from being on my feet so much. My blood pressure was 150/100.....eesh. I think it is because of how nervous I get before each appointment. I never know if they are going to hear her heartbeat or not. That is pretty stressful. Anyway, these are signs of toxemia and now he is concerned that I might have that.
Super. They took a few vials of blood and I have to pee in a jar for 24 hours on Saturday. I go back on Friday to get an u/s, do my glucose test and hopefully get the blood results. I go back on Monday to turn in my pee and get some more blood work done.

So if it turns out that I have toxemia they are going to induce. In a healthy pregnancy they would put me on bedrest, but since this isn't a normal pregnancy he wants to induce if the results come back positive for toxemia. Another reason that he wants to do the u/s is to see if she is still breech. That kinda freaked me out. Ha ha, the blood pressure didn't freak me out. The swelling didn't freak me out. The possible toxemia didn't freak me out. The possibility that she may be breech freaks me out. I guess it is more the fact that he is talking about her being breech and that I may be in labor in a few days is the real cause. I am trying to be positive, but I haven't much sunshine and rainbows left in me. Could you guys be positive for me?

I don't even know what to think. I measured right on for the first time ever (30 cm) and then I get this blow. I don't even know if it is a blow yet, but with my track record one can't be too over confident. I am moping again. I am just at a loss............

11/09/05

2008-06-23T19:12:00.002-05:00

I'm awake. I woke up at 3:10 and couldn't sleep. I got to thinking again. I hate that I think so much. It used to be a joke in my family about how I over-thought everything. My mom just said I was analytical. I think I am obsessive.

I got to thinking about my sister's wedding. She is getting married in Vegas on June 3. We are all really looking forward to going. I was thinking about the ceremony and then I remembered all of the plans that we had. Keiran was going to be four months old then and I was a little nervous about flying with an infant. Trey was going to hold her during the ceremony in case she cried. Then he could quickly take her out. My parents were also going to take her and my niece for a day so that we could all go do adult things. Now it is all gone. It always hits me out of no where. I didn't even know that I made all of these plans involving her.

Well, I am supposed to be up in an hour so I better try and get some rest.

11/08/05

2008-06-23T19:11:00.000-05:00

So I went to a co-worker's baby shower today. I called Trey beforehand for a pep talk. He didn't do so hot. Oh well, he can't be good at everything.

I did better than I thought that I would. I had two friends with me and we sat in the far back. It mainly consisted of her opening presents. I just ate some cake and tried to stay distracted. She came and hugged me afterwards. I'm sure she knew it was hard for me.

I wasn't really sad until my drive home. I got to thinking like I tend to do....

At times I wish that I would just go into labor right now. I know that she is alive right now and I may even get a chance to meet her alive if I had her now. It is a little twisted to hope that you may go into labor at 28 weeks. I have good intentions though. I also got to thinking about how I keep pushing all of my pain aside. This can't be healthy, but how do I make myself deal with it? I don't want to drag Trey down with me. I know that he isn't dealing either. We are going to have to cope eventually. I get a lot out by writing. I just wonder if I am fooling myself sometimes.

11/05/05

2008-06-23T19:10:00.001-05:00

28 weeks today!

11/04/05

2008-06-23T19:09:00.005-05:00

I woke up at 2:45 and couldn't go back to sleep. I was envisioning when she was born. I was wondering if she was going to be alive or not. Then the thought of them taking her away was too much to handle. I must've cried for 30 minutes. I couldn't stop. I never have given a thought to what it would be like to not have her at all. Right now she is safe inside me. There will come a day when she won't be with me. That is just too scary.

I am a mess. One day I want it to all be over and the next day I never want it to end.

Trey and I kinda had it out too. I told him that I have been feeling really alone lately. He never asks me how I am or how Keiran is. He hardly ever even feels my tummy anymore. I know this is only because it is so hard for him. It makes it more really. I still need to him to show that he cares though. I also know that he will regret it later. He told me that he was sorry and basically told me what I already knew. Her kicking makes her even more real. Her being more real is even more painful because we know that she will not be with us for very long.

11/02/05

2008-06-23T19:09:00.004-05:00

Warning: Pity party for one...

My principal told me today that I don't even look like I am going to have a baby. I think that he was attempting to be complimentary, but I took it another way....like I always do. All I could think of is how small she is. I hope she's growing like a good little girl. I have threatened to ground her if she doesn't do some growing.

I am so sick of my life right now and that makes me feel so guilty. I have so much to be happy about and thankful for and I am just being a crap head about everything. I just want to sleep for the next year or so and get this all over with. That makes me a bad person. I know it. Some days I just wish it were all over, that whatever is going to happen will have already happened and I can quit wondering and waiting. I am a bad person. There is proof. I am not this strong and wonderful woman that everyone thinks I am. I am so tired of being scared all of the time. It is hell.

I just want to hold her. Can we fast forward to that part? Every day I wonder if this is going to be the day that her heart stops. If I don't feel her kick for a while I sit in the most scrunched up position and wait for her to kick me. This is only one thing that I am coming to obsess over. Where is that peace that I used to have? I guess it has been replaced by the reality of what is really going on. There is also this pathetic part of me that wants so badly to believe that she is going to be ok. I know that the chances of this are meager and I told myself that I wouldn't try to cling to that... Here I am though, obsessing over that!

Like I said....I am so sick of my life right now.

10/28/05

2008-06-23T18:00:00.005-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether it is easier to know that I am going to lose her, or if would be easier to be totally ignorant.

Knowing as I do allows me time to try and bond and love her as much as possible. I can also attempt to try and prepare myself for her death. On the other hand it makes me a jittery wreck and an emotional tornado.

If I didn't know then I could live out the rest of my pregnancy blissfully unaware. Then when we finally lost her it would be a total shock. We would have all of her new stuff and have been fully prepared to bring a child home.

I guess there is no better way. I am glad that we know though.

10/26/05

2008-06-23T18:00:00.003-05:00

Broke down at work today. I didn't mean to, it just happened. We were in a staff meeting and a co-worker announced her pregnancy. I really like her and am really happy for her. I was ok until everyone started fawning over her. They announced her due date were cracking jokes about when she was going to deliver. Then they started joking about another pregnant co-worker too and I just frickin' lost it. I wanted to be anywhere in the entire world but there. No one meant to be mean or anything, I just couldn't deal with it. They dismissed the meeting and I bolted straight for the door. I probably sprinted. Two of my friends came out right after me and checked on me. I recovered quickly thank goodness. I just get so mad when I think about how sick she is and how unfair it all is. I think about how badly she is wanted and loved and how she will never really know it. It is too sad to even think about.

I really hope that I didn't upset the poor woman that announced her pregnancy. I am hoping that I got away almost undected. I guess even if I did upset her she will have many other happy moments.

Three people this week have asked about Keiran. That is more than the whole past month. Either I am getting fatter or they are finally comfortable with me. It is so strange they all used the same phrase "little one" when referring to her.

I need to sleep.............

10/24/05

2008-06-23T18:00:00.001-05:00

I'm going through journal withdrawl!!! It feels like it has been so long since I have written.

I got a little scared last night because Keiran hadn't been kicking very much yesterday...or today come to think of it. She was just a little less active than normal. Her heartbeat was fine though. I think that her back is in the front now or something. Ha ha, as I'm writing this she decides to give me a good kick like, "I'm here, Mom! Don't worry."

The little girl from work is out of her coma and my niece's blood results came back normal. Wheeew! What a massive relief. Thank goodness. I had a little talk with God and told him that if one more thing went wrong then I was going to have to seriously consider jumping off of the nearest bridge. Some of the stress has been lifted and I feel like I can breathe again.

My mom and I had a great talk on Friday. She told me to quit looking for a reason that all of this happened. She said that I wasn't going to find the answer. She also told me that she knows the guilt that I am feeling. She still blames herself because I have lupus. I started to tell her how dumb that was and then it hit me, I do the same thing with Keiran. I think that was the whole point of her telling me. Moms are pretty smart sometimes. She also told me that she hates to see me in so much pain. Not only is she losing her grandchild, she has to watch her daughter go through hell. Another thing she said was that she is glad that this is happening to me and not someone else. She said another person might not have made the same choices and given Keiran the same chances. She said I am strong enough to deal with this. I needed this talk with her. I felt so much better afterwards. We also got to talk about my dad. He has been pretty silent throughout the whole ordeal. Luckily my dad and I are very similar in the way that we think (We were actually born on the same day at the same exact time, 9-1 @ 11:22pm) and I can understand how he is coping with it all. He may seem like he doesn't care, but I know that he is dying inside. He hates to see me in pain and he hates the thought of losing his grandaughter. He gets so angry. He can't wrap his head around why this is happening. Sometimes when we talk about it he will get up and walk around. He can't sit still because he gets so mad. He'll throw in a question here or there or an exasperated sigh. I wonder how he is going to cope when she comes. I can't bear to think of the pain that my family is going to be in.

I haven't been a very good friend lately. When my friends complain about this or that I have such a hard time being compassionate. I wish that they would choose someone else to complain to for a little while. I am so tired of pretending to be upset for them. I know that I am doing a lousy job. I often cannot hide the looks of disgust when someone says something stupid. I hope people can just write me off. Oh well if they can't.........

10/21/05 part 3

2008-06-23T17:59:00.001-05:00

Apparently my substitute never showed up because she had car trouble. I can understand being late, but not showing up at all? Unacceptable. The principal tried to find a replacement. There were none to be had though. I am very skeptical about this though. It sounds like typical BS at my school. They don't have to pay a sub if there isn't one. So anyway, instead of pulling someone to cover my class they sent all 22 of my kids to one teacher's class. So this poor woman had her 23 and my 22. How frickin' ridiculous is that? That will be the last day that I take off until Keiran is born. I just cannot fathom the reasoning behind that brilliant decision. I am going to get her a thank you present. She didn't complain once when I talked to her. She told me that they were good. How can 45 5 year olds be good? She deserves a medal.

On another note, people asked her all day if there was something wrong with the baby and why I wasn't there. Not one person asks me how I am to my face when I am there. I wish people would just talk to me. I don't have a dirty little secret that needs to be whispered about. I made it all very public so that people would feel more comfortable asking about her and talking to me. Oh well......

10/21/05 part 2

2008-06-23T17:58:00.001-05:00

They had an appointment at 10:30. I am waiting to hear. My mom and I arew driving down to San Antonio as soon as my mom comes to pick me up.

10/21/05

2008-06-23T17:57:00.002-05:00

I can't sleep. I took the day off because I have been sick all week and I just can't seem to shake it. There is just too much going on right now.

We had a good appointment with Keiran. The greatest thing happened too. I was in bed last night just looking at my belly (common pass time lately) and she kicked and I could see it! I called Trey over and he got to feel her kick over and over. He was so happy! It was great. We are thinking that she heard she weighed a whole 1lb 5oz and thought it was time to show off her size! Little stinker.

So my niece has been sick. She is seven months old today. She has been running high fevers for no reason. They took her to the doctor yesterday and the doctor told my sister to take her to the ER. They ran some tests and found that her white blood cell count was elevated. So my poor sister does research and comes back with this awful list that includes chronic bone marrow diseases and leukemia. She calls me and I have no idea what to say. I try and tell her not to worry, but I am worried too. I feel bad because she has been such a source of emotional support for me and now I don't know what to say to her. I am feeling very positive about it all and I hope that it is just a virus or something. The doctor was really kind of a dip though. She wouldn't answer her questions straight, which instantly leads one to think that there is something serious. They are growing a culture and we should hear back today. Prayers/good thoughts would be so greatly appreciated.

On top of all of this I found out that my uncle most likely has cancer in his mouth and my grandmother is either in the early stages of emphysema or has lung cancer. Also, if anyone reading this has any prayers left in them....

On Wednesday, a sixth grader at my school had a seizure. She has these quite frequently and no one was overly concerened. Then for some unknown reason she went into cardiac arrest. Thank God my school has a defibrillator (we lost a student in the district two years ago and have then since gotten them on all of the campuses) and they got her heart started and did artificial respiration until the ambulance arrived. She is now in the PICU at our (awesome) local children's hospital. They are unsure about brain damage though. They have put her in a coma and have given her a 50% chance of survival. Her little brother is in my class and so we all made him cards to cheer him up. He probably has no idea what is really going on. He is only 5. I really hope that he doesn't come back to school today since I am not there. He has enough stress right now.

Ok, I am done bringing everyone down. Somehow writing lightens my load just a little. Not enough to take away the headaches though. I think I am going to lie down and try to sleep some more.

10/20/05

2008-06-23T17:57:00.001-05:00

Just got back from the peri's office. Her heart is just a thumping away. This was the first time that I thought I might actually not hear it. She wasn't moving around very much, but she could be sleeping. She has gained weight. She is now 1lb 5oz. The little stinker is growing so well. I am 25w5d today and she was measuring 23w4d. Still 2 weeks behind, but a very consistent two weeks. I'll take that! I had a feeling that she was growing. I have been feeling her kick more and I feel some stretching every now and then. My stomach seems to have grown a little too.

This all sounds like wonderful news. So why do I feel so terribly sad? I must look sad too. Trey asked me 3 or 4 times if I was ok. Then he bought me cheesecake. When he isn't sure what to do he either runs me a bath or feeds me. Silly guy. I really do not deserve him.

10/18/05 part 2

2008-06-23T17:55:00.001-05:00

I have been depressed once in my life. It was awful. I hated it. The weirdest part was that there was no reason for it that time. Right now I know that there is a reason and it still feels horrible. I feel such guilt for being depressed. She deserves all of the happiness that I would feel if I didn't know that she was going to leave us. Can she feel my sadness? I wonder about this a lot. Does she know what I feel?

10/18/05

2008-04-29T19:59:00.002-05:00

I am so much better today. I actually slept last night.

10/17/05 part 2

2008-04-29T19:59:00.001-05:00

One more thing. Trey just brought me a big ol' pile of red and pink Starbursts. He must have sat for ten minutes opening all the packages of Halloween candy and sorting out my favorites. He made me cry.

10/17/05

2008-04-29T19:58:00.001-05:00

I'm back at anger. I hate this. I was just driving home, happily on my way and it hit me so hard. I was so angry all over again. I may have gotten into this before, but I am going over it again. I am one of those people that have never really done anything wrong. I am the epitome of a goody two shoes. I never drank without my parents' permission before I was 21, I have never smoked a cigarette, I was a virgin until my wedding night, I got good grades in school, and I have always been so frickin' nice to everyone. I make myself sick just thinking about how hard I have tried to be the best person that I can. I so often put others before me and then I get smacked in the face with my poor, sweet daughter being so sick. I just got so furious and started in with the "why me" crap. You know even if I had been a drinking, smoking, slutty whore I wouldn't have deserved this either. I can't make any sense out of all of this and it pisses me off. I have to accept that it happened just because it did.

I don't feel less blessed because Keiran has problems, I just feel so angry that she will never get a chance at life. That is what makes me the angriest. She'll never get a first kiss or go to the prom. She will never dance at her wedding or have a child of her own. She'll never even cut a tooth or make that sour face that babies always get when they try something new. I will never get to hear her laugh or know what it sounds like for her to call me mommy.

10/16/05

2008-04-29T19:57:00.001-05:00

We went to Build a Bear today to make an animal for Keiran. I have no idea how it got started, but Trey and I call each other "bunny." I have been calling Keiran "little bunny," so I had to get the bunny. We have previously tried to go there and I couldn't handle it. I made it today though! Hooray for me! Ok, so I almost lost it once, but I recovered and we got to finish. We got to stuff it and make little wishes into its heart. I didn't really make a wish though I just said, "Mommy loves you sweetheart." We didn't buy any clothes or anything, I liked it just the way it was. When we printed the birth certificate the bunny's weight was listed at 13 oz. That is the exact weight Keiran was at at our last peri visit. It made me smile.

When we got home Trey said, " I won't make fun of you if you sleep with it." I told him good, because I was going to do it either way.

Sometimes I feel like I am annoying to my family. I am such a sad sack all of the time. I feel like Eeyore on a bad day. I try to be happy, but it feels so fake. I am certain that they are sick of me moping. I can't help it though. I can find joy in a lot of things, but I am not the sunny Jamie that I used to be. It feels like I may never be that way again. I know that I am depressed right now and I know that I won't remain this way forever, but I won't be the same ever again either. I think I am just rambling now....

10/13/05

2008-04-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

I'm a mess today. The kids were so good yesterday and today they are trying my patience. So here I am on my lunch break writing in my journal. i should probably eat.

We went to Hallmark yesterday because I wanted to look around. Trey and I have this tradition of buying one ornament a year since we have been married. This was his year so I went to look around and I asked him to look for something for Keiran too. I found the baby section and picked out a frame that I wanted. Trey comes back and tells me he found something for Keiran. He holds up this ornament of a little girl called the "Little Irish Dancer." She has brown hair like Trey and green eyes like me and I just lost it in the store. He tried to hug me, but that just made it worse. I had to walk away. The silliest things keep setting me off. Now we are going to buy an ornament for Keiran every year too. I also bought her a little teddybear that is dressed up like a bunny. It is the sofest thing I have ever felt.

My sister sent me the words to a new song by Kenny Chesney:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can’t believe you’re gone
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all the way
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Would see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder what you would have named your babies
Some days the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all the way
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope is
I know I’ll see you again someday

10/12/05

2008-04-29T19:54:00.000-05:00

Eeesh..today is the "two week" mark. I remembered that this morning and it made me feel so sick. I know that it was just his best estimate, but I can't even bear to try and find her heartbeat. Trey is going to have to do it when he gets home. I am so scared.

I was just now reading an article on silentgrief.com and it said that you should always tell people about your child that has died when people ask how many children you have. I am trying to imagine myself saying, "Yes we have one, but she is in heaven." I am also trying to imagine saying, "We have no children." Which would be less terrible to say? They both seem totally horrific. To deny her would be unforgivable and to talk about it will be so painful. I think that the pain is the best way to go. I couldn't ever deny her. How do you say that though? Someone casually asks you if you have children and then you bowl them over with this personal tragedy. I would feel awful if I asked someone about their children and they told me, "We had a little girl, but she is no longer with us." There is a conversation halter.

Another thing that made my day craptastic... I found out that in Texas the fetus needs to be 28 weeks in order to be considered a person. That means no birth or death certificate. Why is this so important to me? It seems so stupid. She will always be a real person to me. I shouldn't give a shit what the state says. I do though. It is like a little piece of paper that tells the world, "hey, I'm a mom too!" I worry about the stupidest stuff. I guess if I worry about the petty crap then I don't think as much about the real stuff.

The stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance) are not very linear. I figured that you go through them and then you are done. Nope. I linger often in anger and depression but I have found myself jumping back to bargaining again. I would trade her life for anything. I try to strike deals with God all of the time. So far he hasn't agreed to any of my terms. It is so stupid really. It is pointless and is just torture for me. Like I don't have even crap going on without me torturing myself too.

10/10/05

2008-04-29T19:53:00.001-05:00

I got a present this morning.

My friends are so thoughtful. I just love it.

I just remembered. My doctor told me that after she passes it may take up to 3 days for my body to react to the induction. This can't be true, can it? I can't imagine that horror. I am overwhelmed again.

10/9/05

2008-04-29T19:52:00.001-05:00

I didn't feel her kick very much today and it worried me a little. We found the heartbeat right away with the doppler though.

Our gown for her came in the mail yesterday. I made Trey open it. I was ok though. I never know how I am going to react. It looks kinda big, but my mom said it looked like it was for a doll. Even if it is big I don't care. It is beautiful. The little hat is so precious and there is lace at the bottom of the gown that is so pretty. I am pleased with it.

I have parent conferences tomorrow. I am not really looking forward to it. I had about 5 parents that didn't respond at all to my conference letter. Last year only half that signed up came. I hope it is a little better this year. The school is trying to work around the parents' schedules and the conferences are from 11-5. I am in for a long day.

10/7/05

2008-04-29T19:51:00.001-05:00

She has been kicking like a crazy baby for the past two days! It is so hard to believe that she is so sick. Maybe it is just her sweet way of saying good-bye.

10/6/05

2008-04-29T19:49:00.000-05:00

Today wasn't a very good day.

I got another child in my class. I am now at the state maximum of 22. 22 kindergarteners with no aide? Sheesh. I have the biggest headache. The first thing that this kids tells me is, "They let me do whatever I wanted at my old school." I said, "This isn't your old school!" The school district that he came from called too. They were telling the office that the mom is a pain in the rear and that there was already an attendance officer after them for all of his absences. One of the first things that she said was, "He throws up when he is nervous and he had a hard time adjusting at his old school." Umm, ok. He adjusted just fine. He is a bit of an odd duck, but I don't care. I can already tell that the kid isn't going to be the problem.

I was reading a magazine that came in the mail today. There was some random article about false eyelashes. My mind wandered and I was picturing Keiran in her little gown that we bought her. I threw the damn magazine against the wall and burst into tears. Trey is now kind of used to this so he just held me while I sobbed.

Her heartbeat was still strong when we checked it this evening. My sister asked me what I was going to do if I couldn't find it. Hmm, I hadn't really thought about that. I told her I guess I'd call the doctor. The fact that I haven't thought about it is further proof that part of me still hasn't accepted it. I don't know how to make it happen for myself though. Do I even want to fully accept the truth? I guess when it happens I will have to. I guess that is what it will take. Some pathetic Pollyanna part of me still wants to believe that it will all be ok. I'm not sure that is healthy.

Trey recommended that we talk to a grief counselor. Once again, where the heck am I going to find one of those?

10/5/05

2008-04-29T19:47:00.000-05:00

Well, today makes it a week since the doctor told us that we have about two weeks. I really like the man, but I sure hope that he's wrong. He even told us that he couldn't say exactly.

We ordered her an outfit to wear in the hospital.
http://www.preemie.com/get_item_pyumxs-sog.htm
I thought that the price was outrageous, but she's worth it. I love it because it is so simple. Trey liked it too.

I just read that October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day. I sure hope that I can wait until next year to personally observe that one.

Trey and I had a huge talk last night. He finally opened up to me. I was thinking that he was taking all of this so well and I was honestly starting to feel so alone. He wrote me a letter so that he could get it all out. My sister actually suggested it to him (thanks, Jen). He told me that he keeps blaming himself just like I do. We both know that it is so stupid, but we still do it. My doctor referred to it as "mommy guilt." Women always try to take the blame. I guess Trey has daddy guilt. He was also mad at himself for not talking to me about Keiran very much, but being able to talk to people at work that asked about it. I told him that I understood. They aren't so close to the situation. It is easier to talk to someone that is not me sometimes. I totally get it. He hates to see me sad and when we talk, I cry. He thinks this means that he is making me sad. I told him that I am always sad, I just show it with him. He also hates that he can't protect Keiran. She is his little girl and he can't make her better. This kills me to think about. I know that dads and little girls have such a special relationship. This breaks my heart so much. My dad must be feeling the same thing right about now. He also felt guilty for not being able to talk to me before.

Now I am feeling the guilt for thinking that I was alone. In retrospect, that was a stupid thing to think. I know what a sensitive guy Trey is and I should have tried to talk to him myself. I have been so wrapped up in me. I hate when I do that. Thank goodness he was the bigger person and took the first step. I am so lucky to have him.

10/3/05

2008-04-29T19:46:00.000-05:00

Things are going as ok as they can right now. I am doing ok at work, but things are really getting on my nerves very easily. I am normally pretty laid back. Maybe that is what is why I am still partially sane.

I realized that I should probably pack a hospital bag. I think I may ask Trey to do it. I can't handle these things anymore. I probably also need to buy something for Keiran to wear after she is born. Where do I buy clothes for a 1 lb baby?

We painted the living room and dining room. It looks really nice. I want the house to look nice for Keiran's wake. That sounds so stupid, but it gives me something to do.

10/1/05

2008-04-29T19:44:00.001-05:00

I am still waiting for this to really sink in. I am too calm. I am scared what it will be like when it finally hits me.

I have been feeling her kick lately which is odd because the doc said that she wouldn't grow anymore. I wasn't really feeling her kick before. I am so happy. Even Trey felt it. I am also feeling some growing pains. Maybe the little stinker will get up to a pound after all. I'm not getting my hopes up though.

I think that waiting for her to die is the most awful thing. I am even too scared to use the doppler and check for her heartbeat.

We took a picture this morning, printed it out, framed it and hung it on the wall. Here it is.

I love it!

9/30/05

2008-04-29T19:42:00.000-05:00

It is 3:20 and I am awake. I can't go to sleep because I keep planning Keiran's wake in my head. I am a planner. It is how I cope.

How did everything go from so right to so wrong this quickly? I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I was also making a list in my head of things to be thankful for. Here is what I came up with.

1. I am thankful that I have had this time with Keiran. I am going to be able to hold her and take her picture. Many moms do not have this luxury.

2. This has brought me closer to Trey. We have always been close, but we are at a new level now. I am thankful for him every second of every day.

3. I am closer with my family. I come from a close family to begin with, and two months ago I never would have thought that we could be closer. My mom, dad and sister have been amazing. I am so thankful for them.

4. This has brought me closer to God. I can honestly see why tragedy can make people go the other way though. I have felt His presence in my life and am grateful.

5. Even my in-laws have been great.

6. I have weeded out the losers in my patch of friends. There were many. I have found my true friends in the process. I am thankful for that.

7. I am thankful for pregnancy.org. This site has been amazing and so supportive. This has helped to make things so much easier. I have also "met" some awesome people.

8. This experience has also forever changed me in ways that I don't even understand yet. I know that my priorities have changed dramatically and I have seen it in Trey too. It is a good change. I know that it will take me many years to sort it all out and really understand and see how this has touched our lives.

I asked a friend I made through p.org how long it took her to feel normal again after her son died of T13. She told me that normal is never the same again.

9/29/05

2008-04-29T19:41:00.000-05:00

I just want to curl up into a ball. I am so tired of being strong. It hasn't really gotten me any where, has it?

I am really thankful for the last week. I got to have hope. It was wonderful while it lasted. I got to enjoy her liked I hadn't been able to since we got the news. She deserves that.

When the doctor told us that we only had about two weeks left, I wasn't really surprised. I think that I knew something was wrong. I knew that everything was too good.

Now I am torn between wanting her to fight and make it as long as possible and just wanting her to let go. She has fought and fought in her short little life. Why should she have to fight anymore? Wouldn't it be so selfish of me to want her to hold on? I feel so sick thinking about either possibility. There is no easy way out and that is becoming more and more clear with every passing second.

It didn't really hit me until today. I knew yesterday that I was taking it all too well. I knew that it would finally sink in today. Thank God that no one really asked about my appointment. I think that I might have had a breakdown. There is one coming anyway, but I don't want to do it at work or in front of the kids. I know that they would worry about me and ask a lot of questions. I did tell three people at school what was going on through e-mail. I know that I need to talk to my principal, but he is a very religious man and I just can't take him telling me that God makes miracles. I know this. I am not asking for one. God and I have been talking and we have come to an understanding. Butt out.

My lupus is pissing me off (not that we have ever been friends or anything). Because of it, I run fevers when I have too much stress. Fevers make me cry more easily. Crying increases the pain and prolongs the fevers. It is a wonderful cycle. My arthritis is kicking in too. I can't take anything for it. Aleve is a big no no. When it rains it pours!

I am trying like hell not to feel sorry for myself. I think I may be putting on a good front. I may also be delusional. Keiran is the real victim here. She is the one that isn't going to live. I am trying to remember that this isn't about me. She is such a part of me though.

My heart is breaking for Trey. He hasn't even gotten to feel her kick yet. She weighs 13 ounces and isn't expected to grow any more. He never will get to feel her kick. I have felt the little flutters, at least I have that. I has been kissing my belly and whispering to her more. We are trying to get all of the love in that we can before she leaves us. How do you fit a lifetime of love in two weeks?

9/28/05

2008-04-29T19:38:00.000-05:00

Pardon me, but this has been a shitty day!

Well, there wasn't any good news today. It turns out that the small placenta is causing the cord blood pressure to be very high. There is supposed to be blood flow through the cord during the beat of the heart and in between beats. The pressure is so high in Keiran's cord that in between heart beats all flow stops. Her heart is already enlarged from working so hard. Eventually, the blood pressure will get so high that the blood flow is going to reverse and it will lead to congestive heart failure.

His best guess was that she will be with us another two weeks. He said she could easily last longer or go more quickly. There is no real way of knowing.

On my way home it started raining for the first time in probably a month. It felt like the world was crying with me.

9/25/05

2008-04-29T19:37:00.001-05:00

Well, yesterday was the first day that I woke up feeling kind of positive about Keiran's health. I may be fooling myself, but I am willing to steal a little happiness right now. I was in a store and actually didn't want to cry when I saw the baby clothes. That's a big step for me. I even thought about buying her something. Another huge step. I think that I am still a little scared to go that far though.

Maybe by being so positive I am making it worse if things do go as the doctors think. Then I think, can it actually be made worse? I really don't know.

I haven't had the courage to research what the small placenta and elevated cord pressure means. I know that it isn't good. I don't want to read the horror stories. I will just wait until Wednesday when she gets the echocardiogram. I need to get out some paper and write down everything that I am wondering about. Maybe I'll need a notebook......

My peri is amazing. He is one of those doctors that you know really found their true calling. If anyone that reads this needs a peri in the Austin area, just let me know. I think this man and his staff are all wonderful.

9/24/05

2008-04-29T19:36:00.001-05:00

I cut my hair off. I like it!

I just love getting hair cuts. I love talking to the stylists. I got a great one this time. She just went on and on about her rotten DIL. We talked a lot about Keiran. She didn't know the circumstances so she talked to me like I was having a healthy baby. It was wondersul. I realized that this was the first conversation I have had like that. Most of the time I talk about what we are going to do in the hospital and what plans we have made and what medical issues that we are facing, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, she told me NOT to use Johnson and Johnson because there is actually something in the shampoo that numbs the eyes so that the baby doean't feel the pain. I'm not sure of the truth behind this (I am going to have to google it), but she said not to buy it. She also gave me a bunch of other motherly advice and it was so nice to just enjoy being pregnant for a little while.

That's it. Just a normal conversation with a nice hair stylist made my day.

9/23/05

2008-04-29T19:32:00.000-05:00

They found a hole in her heart. There was some technical term for this, but I can't remember. If I heard it again I'd know. Anyway, the nurse said it was fixable with surgery and it could be a whole lot worse. Her kidneys are still enlarged, but not out of normal range. They are just on the high side. The only really negative thing was that my placenta is a little small which is causing the cord blood pressure to be high. I didn't actually get into what that would mean, but I am seeing the doctor again next week. He is going to look at the heart more in-depth. Also, she is now measuring a full two weeks behind. I keep asking the nurse if I am not eating healthy enough or something. She keeps telling me that there is nothing that I did and nothing that I can do. I wish I could control something!

Now for the good news. They could find nothing wrong with her brain! Everything was there and everything looked good! I am amazed because abnormal brains are very common and even expected in T13 babies. The nurse also said that the results of the u/s were very "confusing" because they could hardly find anything wrong. Apparently no one told Keiran that she has trisomy 13. So, my little one is a fighter. I knew this already though.

Honestly, I'm now more scared than ever though. I am thrilled that things are working out so well, but I am so afraid that I am getting my hopes up for nothing. Given an 80% chance of miscarriage, I feel like we have already beat the odds getting this far. I'm too afraid to hope to beat the odds again. One day at a time. That's all I can do.

9/20/05

2008-04-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

I had a rough day. I was alright when the day started. Now I feel like I am on the edge of an emotional breakdown (again?). It was so stupid even. I just hate myself for getting so riled up for such a little thing. One of my assistant principals was talking to my grade level about playground behavior. She said a parent called and complained because she thought the kids were too wild at recess. Ok, so there are 85 children on a pretty small, very old playground. Yes, it gets a little wild. They are 5 years old. They have lots of energy. We have had very few behavior problems and are one of the only grade levels that actually watch their kids and make them follow the rules. Anyway, I was just trying to express my frustration over how hard we all try and how the administration is so quick to jump on us. I was not upset that the parent expressed concern. She jumps on my case and says, "Well when your daughter is born are you going to want someone to watch her that you are not comfortable with?"

What I did: Looked away and changed the subject

What I should have done: Said, "You know, I am not going to have the luxury of being in that situation. I most likely won't even bring her home from the hospital."

Am I being too sensitive? This asinine comment totally screwed up the rest of my day. She didn't even act like she said anything wrong. She is fully aware of my situation. I dunno. Maybe I am overreacting. It is so hard to tell. My emotions are on high all of the time.

I guess it doesn't really matter if I am being too sensitive because it upset me plain and simple. Even one of my co-workers said that she couldn't believe that she said that.

Today is one of those days where the tears are right behind my eyes, ready to flow.

9/17/05

2008-04-29T19:30:00.000-05:00

I had a bad dream last night. I had a dream that I was in labor and no one would come to the hospital except for Trey. It was like they didn't care. It was awful.

I woke up feeling so sad. I cried for 10 minutes. Trey tried to comfort me, but I didn't want to talk about it. He knew that I was crying about Keiran though. I stayed awake with me for about an hour and then I told him to go back to sleep. I stayed awake for a little while longer and finally fell asleep. I had another dream that I was trying to get to Disneyland where Trey was waiting for me, but I just couldn't find it. I preferred that one to my first one.

The doctors moved my due date back to 1/28. I'm not sure why. I debated about just keeping it the same, but I decided that the older she is the better. I know that it makes no real sense. It means something to me though. So that makes me 21 weeks today. That means that even if she dies she will be considered a person. We will have a death certificate and everything. It is important to me. I can't explain it.

9/15/05

2008-04-29T19:28:00.002-05:00

I went out for drinks with the girls yesterday. I hit the lemonade pretty hard. My friend that just found out that she was pregnant was there and some other friends from work. One girl kept bringing up what we should do at the newly pregnant woman's baby shower and what her cake should look like. I thought that it was a little insensitive considering they all know what is going on in my life. I think that everyone wanted her to shut up, but she didn't get the hint. She is missing that very crucial filter between the brain and the mouth. Alcohol only makes it more evident. I think that I'll be skipping the next outing.

The problem is that I think that they should be able to talk about it. They should be excited. It isn't really fair that they should never be able to talk about it in front of me. I know that most of them were completely uncomfortable. I seem to have that effect on people lately. Awkward silences, abrupt subject changes, and sudden remembrances of things left undone seem to be very common these days when I am around.

I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. It is amazing how quickly and easily something can shift my mood. A hundred wonderful things can happen and then one moron shoots off her mouth and I am sulky again. I was never like this. I know that it is just something that I am working through, but at the same time I know that I will never be the same. I guess that can be said for any woman who is having a child though. I know this will change me. I just hope that I like who I am at the end. There isn't really and end though, is there? I am not all too fond of who I am right now. I wonder sometimes if I am too hard on myself, then at other times I wonder if I am not hard enough. I could be imagining things or just being very sensitive. Hell, who knows. I think that this whole entry stopped making sense after "I."

I sure don't feel 24 today.

I haven't felt her move lately. She was bouncing all around last week. I am hoping and praying that she is ok. Maybe she is still just a little too small............or maybe I am a little too fat! My money is on the second.

I finally figured out why pregnant women always have a hand on their stomachs. I thought that it was because they were so surprised by their new girth. It turns out that they just want to hold their baby. Every time I touch my new bump it is like a little "I love you." As long as she knows then I am happy.

9/14/05

2008-04-29T19:28:00.001-05:00

My husband may be the most amazing man in the world. Right now he is running me a bath with lavendar bubbles and salts. They are my absolute favorite.

I really think that I under-appreciate him. He has been my rock and he is hurting just as badly as I am. He has taken over so many of the household duties that I was just incapable of for a while. He does laundry, grocery shops, takes care of me, takes care of the dogs, does the yard work, works full time, cleans the house, runs me baths, and never complains. And to top it all off, he's pretty hot.

I need to show him how much I appreciate him. I hope I can find a way. I just do not deserve him.

9/13/05

2008-04-29T19:25:00.000-05:00

I found out that a friend of mine at work is pregnant. I was really happy for her at first and then I got so sad and even a little jealous. She is going to have a healthy baby to love and I am probably coming home from the hospital empty handed. She deserves a healthy baby.....does anyone NOT deserve a healthy baby? I don't begrudge her that at all. I guess I just get to thinking about what could have/should have been and I lose it. I am hanging onto my sanity by a single precious thread lately anyway.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday and the nurse kept fawning over me. I tried to be happy. Sometimes I tell people and sometimes I just smile. I hate to tell people just because I don't want to see the look in their eyes. The pity mixed with horror. I can't take it right now. Am I ever going to be able to take it?

The teacher in the classroom next to me lost her baby at 20 weeks. She told me a little about her. She went into premature labor and they couldn't stop it. She said that she lived for 5 minutes. Can you imagine only 5 living minutes with your child? So many women have had such similar experiences. It is too much to imagine.

Still none of the children in my class have noticed that I am pregnant. I guess they just think that they have a fat teacher that really likes to eat applesauce and pineapple. Sometimes I feel guilty eating in front of them. It isn't enough to stop me though.

I came home tonight and found out that the city wants to cut down my hackberry tree. Apparently it is in the way of the power lines. I am severely annoyed seeing as how it is my favorite tree. It shades almost my entire backyard. It is gorgeous. I don't have the fight in me so Trey is going to have to take over on this one. Good thing I married a nature lover like myself. He is an Eagle Scout and LOVES the outdoors. I'm just a tree hugger.

I am enjoying being a teacher again. I really hated it a few weeks ago. Too much on my plate I guess. I felt like the kids deserved better. We are all in a routine now and all of us are less cranky. They worked hard today and they played so nicely! No one even had time out (that is huge for my class). I bought some doll house furniture that I told them they had to earn by showing me they could behave. I think I'll stick it in the doll house tomorrow. They are going to be thrilled.

9/10/05

2008-04-29T19:24:00.000-05:00

We got the urn. It wasn't like the one that I picked out, but I like it just the same. We decided to go local and I am glad that we did. I almost didn't want to go into the store. There were caskets every where. I wanted to tell Trey to floor it and get the hell out of here. I didn't. Instead I took some deep breaths and told Trey not to touch me or I would lose it.

The man was so nice. He was a grandfatherly type with kind eyes and he asked no questions. We told him that we were in the market for an infant urn and he said that he only had one. It turns out that he has only ever had one and no one had ever asked him for one. Well we liked it and the price was very good ($77). It was also simple and elegant, just like I wanted. I had no desire for one with teddy bears or something cute on it. The picture is below. It is hard to see, but he said it is a marble composite. It has the marble swirls and lines.

We are going to get a plaque made after she is born.

Afterwards I needed ice cream so we went to Marble Slab and got my favorite, cinnamon ice cream.

I keep thinking about what I would be doing/thinking right now if she was fine. I need to stop torturing myself.

On another note. My friends at work who initially wanted to throw me a shower asked if we could have a party instead. They wanted to buy me a gift certificate to a spa or something. I thought that was so thoughtful of them. I am surrounded by good people.

9/10/05

2008-04-29T19:23:00.000-05:00

Well today is the day that we go urn shopping. I am a little scared, but I like being prepared.

We had an u/s Thursday. They didn't really find out anything new. That basically means that we still know nothing. The tech said that they saw her brain and it looks like it is all there. We saw the two kidneys again, they said that they were a little inflamed. Her spine looked good. Everything looked "good." I am not sure why this annoys me so much. I am not annoyed that my child appears healthy. I am thrilled. I guess I am annoyed because I keep getting my hopes up even though I know that I shouldn't. I know what we are facing. Within the next couple of appointments they are going to tell me what is really wrong.

Here is a list of common symptoms

Mental ******ation, severe
Seizures
Small head (microcephaly)
Scalp defects (absent skin)
Small eyes (microphthalmia)
Cleft lip and/or palate
Eyes close set (hypotelorism) -- eyes may actually fuse together into one
Iris defects (coloboma)
Pinna abnormalities and low set ears
Simian crease
Extra digits (polydactyly)
Hernias: umbilical hernia, inguinal hernia
Undescended testicle (cryptorchidism)
Hypotonia
Micrognathia
Skeletal (limb) abnormalities
Taken from http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/e...cle/001660.htm

I keep thinking about all that can/will go wrong. I know I should be focusing on the positive, it is so hard sometimes. It is especially hard when I've hard a rough day and I am feeling worn down. Then my dam seems to break and all of my fears and the reality of what is going on flood my brain. It is overwhelming.

Someone at work asked me if I was trying not to get too attached to her because I know that she will die. My gut reaction was anger. Then I thought about who was talking. Do you know some people that just aren't smart? I know it isn't nice, but it is true. Just their whole way of thinking is so oversimplified. Everything is black and white. Well, that is this person. I dismissed my anger and then told her no. I told her that this child is just as special and wonderful as any other child that has ever been carried. It would be awful for me to try not to love her because she will die. That just means that I need to love her even more while I have her. This seemed to satisfy her. I have dealt with so much ignorance. I think that sensitivity training should be a new required course in high school or college. Or maybe people should just get their heads out of their ass!

9/7/05

2008-04-29T19:22:00.001-05:00

Things are still going well for me. I am so glad that I snapped out of my funk. I had to cancel an appointment with my rheumatologist yesterday. I forgot about it and I didn't get my bloodwork done ahead of time like I am supposed to. I saw no point in going without having that done. So now I am going on Monday. I also had to reschedule my OB appointment. I had it scheduled for 4:15 and then I realized open house is tomorrow. Thankfully they could change it to 3:15. I just really hate being so scatter brained. I am not used to it at all.

9/6/05 part 2

2008-04-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

I wasn't an awful teacher today like I felt like I was last week! Hooray. it was nice to have a good day for once. Maybe the whole week will be good!

9/6/05

2008-04-29T19:20:00.000-05:00

I feel a little more refreshed after the three day weekend.

Trey admitted that it is hard for him to feel as close to Keiran as me without the physical connection. He even admitted to being a little jealous. I can't wait until she starts kicking hard enough so that he can feel it. I feel so bad for him. She is big enough now that we can feel where she is in the uterus. She definitely prefers the right side. I still don't feel her kick very much, but I know she is small.

We decided to look at urns locally. We found a shop not too far away and are going to look there next Saturday. I hope it is more successful than our online venture!

8/31/05

2008-04-29T19:18:00.002-05:00

Today has been so hard. This week actually has. I have been completely on edge at work. I think that I have the most helpless group of kindergarteners EVER. It is the 12th day of school and we are still working on lining up. They all just walk to the front. There are 21 now and the state max is 22. What jerk made up that ratio? Obviously someone that hadn't been in a kinder classroom since they were 6.

Mostly, I can kind of push the situation with Keiran to the back of my mind. I can still think of being pregnant and I can still think of how much I love her, but I can push the rest aside while I am at work. Not lately though. Lately it is always on the surface, just staring me in the face. I think it is because work has me completely frazzled. I have already had one child miss four days of school. I hope the rest of the year doesn't go like this.

Trey got off work early today (11:30) and offered to come and see me. I asked him what for. I eat lunch at 10:50 and I have no more breaks after that. I am such a grouch and I hate being this way. I know that I have so much to be happy about and thankful for. I am just having such a hard time seeing it right now. I am just so tired of being me. I need a break.

We get a three day weekend. Maybe I'll come back refreshed. I hope.

8/28/05

2008-04-29T19:18:00.001-05:00

I decided to look at urns today. A woman that I have been talking to suggested that I buy one early. I just never dreamed that I would be doing this.

8/27/05 part 2

2008-04-29T19:17:00.000-05:00

We had a huge decision to make. I had no idea what to do: continue or terminate.......

That was all that was on my mind I agonized over it for days. I asked people what they would do. I asked people what they thought I should do. My family told me that it would be easiest on me to end it. They thought that I could start healing. At one point I was almost convinced that I should terminate. People told me that there was no way that God could hold it against me. I just didn't know. I prayed night and day for an answer. One morning I woke up and I knew. I knew that I was going to keep my little girl. After I came to my decision I was so at peace. After all of this turmoil, peace. It was wonderful. I woke Trey up and told him that I was going to continue. This was my feeling on the situation. There was already so much stacked against her, how could I, her mother, be against her too? I couldn't. I told my family and they were supportive. I can completely understand why someone would end the pregnancy and I would NEVER judge them for it. It is agony waking up everyday wondering if this is the day that your child will die. Every time I see a healthy child I wonder why me? I hate feeling sorry for myself and I hate this neverending rollercoaster of emotions, but I thik that I would hate never seeing my little girl even more. So many people have told me that I chose the hard road. Was there an easy one?
Trey stood behind me 100% percent. He embraced my decision. I was upset with him at first because he basically left it up to me. He wasn't so callous as to say,"You decide." But he told me that he would support me no matter what I wanted to do. I yelled at him and told him that was a cop out. I now understand that he felt that it was my body and more of my decision. He didn't want to tell me what to do. He is very glad that it is what I decided.
One night I had a dream about her. It was wonderful. She was very small and had dark hair like her daddy. She kept making sucking motions with her mouth like I have seen my infant niece do many times. I woke up so happy again. I haven't had another dream about her, but I hope that there are more to come.
Telling the people at work was hard to do. My close friends already knew, but the rest were in the dark. I talked with my principal (I teach kindergarten) and I decided to sned out n e-amil to the staff. I wrote it up and sent it to the principal to send it out to everyone. He sent it out to everyone while I was at lunch one day. I walked back into the school and the office staff was crying. I just wanted to turn around and run. I thought that I was ready, but this was so hard. People told me that I was brave and I had made the right choice. A few people told me to keep faith and that tests can be wrong. This bothers me honestly. I am very realistic about what is going on. I know that Keiran probably won't ever come home from the hospital. I know that there are going to be major problems. Why would people try and give me false hope? I guess they might have heard stories about incorrect triple screens. The tests that I got done have more than a 99% accuracy rate. I just wish people would think before speaking. I guess trying to give me false hope is better than completely ingnoring me. I have had quite a few people that just stopped talking to me. Oh well, these people I can live without.
Starting school was not as tough as I thought it was going to be. The kids have proven to be a wonderful distraction. None of them have noticed that I am pregnant yet. When one of them notices I'll fill the rest in.
I was walking down the hall on Thursday and this second grade girl that I didn't know looked me straight in the eye and said in a very matter-of-fact way,"You're pregnant." I was so taken aback the only thing that I could think of popped out, "I know." Witty and clever, I know.
I guess the main thing that I am still dealing with is my anger. I have no one to direct it at. I am so angry that this happened to us. I am so angry that my child will never grow up. There is a lot of anger stored up inside and I am afraid that I may explode with it one day. I guess right now feeling the anger is better than feeling the grief. I can cope much better with the anger.
Sometimes I feel like others have already written her off. Someone commented today that there is finally a girl on our birth board. I wanted to yell, "Hey, what about me??????" I know that it was an accident, but it still upset me so much. Silly things upset me so much. This crap mixed with pregnancy is hell on the mood. I am going to sleep now. I guess my two hour nap wasn't enough.

8/27/05

2008-04-29T19:16:00.000-05:00

Telling Trey was awful. I called him on the way home to make sure that he was driving safely. The thought of him getting hurt right then was too much to imagine. He got there, I met him in the garage and I told him as quickly as I could. He knew it was bad, but he wasn't as obsessed with research as I was. I showed him the website and I think that it hit him then. My mom called everyone for us to let them know what was going on. Thank God for her. I sent out an e-mail to the friends that I had been in contact with. I could not call them and I knew that they were all waiting for the news. Honestly I don't remember much of what happened next. I know I called the genetic counselor to ask her some more questions. She said that there was an 80% chance of miscarriage and an 80% chance that the baby wouldn't make it past one month and she told us that it was a girl. I asked her what most people did in our situation and she told us that most choose to terminate.

I didn't cry much that day. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it was shock, or if I was numb or what. The following days were hell though. Trey took the rest of the week off of work to stay at home with me.

8/24/05

2008-04-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

So, after we got to the car I called my mom and sister and told them what was going on. My mom told me that she would be there for the meeting with the genetic counselor. I was glad that she would be there. We needed another set of ears. My mom brought my dad too and we all sat in with the genetic counselor. Her poor little office was pretty cramped. She told us that there were four major possibilities. It could be Turner Syndrome, Down Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. She went into detail and showed us pictures of the chromosomes and gave us stats and the whole lot. I don't remember too much honestly. We were both numb. We jumped right on the CVS. We also opted for the FISH test too because the results came back more quickly. We scheduled it for the next day.

I'm not sure that I slept at all that night. It was torture. Every time that I woke up it was like hearing it all over again. I would wake up Trey and he would hold me and cry. The CVS wasn't until 2:00 the next day and I barely made it with my sanity intact. There we all were (me, Trey, my mom, my dad, and my MIL) in the room with the doctor and two nurses. I was pretty packed. The procedure wasn't that back. They numbed me and I got to watch the whole thing on the u/s. I got to see her again and she was wiggling around. I just couldn't believe that there could be something wrong with her. She was all curled in a little ball (I think that she knew a big needle was coming!!!).

We were told that they would have the result of the CVS on that Friday or on the following Monday. The wait was torture. I can't even describe how awful it was. We did finally get the call on the following Monday. It figures I took that moment to go to the bathroom. My mom had taken the day off to stay with me and I practically ripped the phone from her hand. The genetic counselor was very straightforward (thank God) and told us right away. She had trisomy 13. I got very dizzy and leaned over the counter. I couldn't speak and had to get off of the phone. I told my mom and she called Trey to tell him to come home. I never thought that it would be bad. I just knew (and prayed) that the worst it would be was Turner's. I felt that I could deal with that. T13 hit me by complete surprise.

More later..............

8/23/05

2008-04-29T19:10:00.000-05:00

Well my story is kind of long so I hope that I have the stamina to spit it out all at once. I probably don't though. Here goes nothing.

My husband, Trey, and I were married when we were 20. We were each other's first bf/gf, kiss, love... We got together at 16 and just never parted. We bought our first house last summer and decided that we would like to start our family. We were both excited but held off for 9 months when the timing was a little better. I am a school teacher and wanted the timing to be a little better so that I could spend the maximum time at home.

So we got pregnant on May 10th. I was charting and thought that our timing was off, so I didn't think that I was pregnant. I started getting awful cramps and figured that I was going to start. My sister told me to test when I had the cramps for three days with no sign of AF. So, on May 29th I tested and it showed a positive almost instantly. I thought that I was reading the test wrong so I took it to Trey and he couldn't figure it out either. So I finally figured it out, took another and called my mom and sister. They were both just as thrilled as Trey and I.

I had the easiest first trimester. I was a little tired and was queasy a few times. I did have to see three doctors and it kinda peeved me. I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus at 15. I had been seeing a rhuematologist since then. I had tried a whole slug of medications. Everything from arthritis meds, to steroids to an antimalarial medication. I have actually stayed on the antimalarial (Plaquenil) for 5 years. I do take the max dose and it works for me most of the time. Anyway, I was high risk because of lupus and I had to go see a perinatologist. So now I was up to seeing three doctors a month.

The peri turned out the be a wonderful man. I really like and respect him. The first time that I saw him I got an u/s and I the tech took picture after picture. I thought that maybe it was normal, but a little alarm went off. He just measured too much. When the doc came in he told me he wasn't worried about the lupus. He had a ton of patients on plaquenil and their babies were fine. He did tell me that he was concerned about a pocket of fluid on the back of the babies neck. Then he went into an explanation that I hardly remember. I do remember asking him what this all meant. He told that there was about a 36% chance that the baby would be ok. He left the room for a minute to check with the genetic counselor about getting an appointment. I looked at Trey and lost it. I just started crying. I tried like hell to regain composure before the doctor got back, but I couldn't quite manage it. We got an appointment for a few hours later to talk with Katherine, the genetic counselor. He told us to "hang in there" but the look in his eye told me that there was something very seriously wrong.

We left the office and I lost it again on the way out to the car. There were children playing downstairs and it was more than I could handle. I started hyperventilating. It was awful. We sat in the parking garage for over an hour just sobbing. I called my mom and she could hardly understand me. Trey had to call work to tell them that he would be much later than he thought originally. I felt so shallow. My biggest concern before I went into the peri's office was that he would tell me that I was gaining too much weight.

..........have to finish later.........so tired