10/12/05

Eeesh..today is the "two week" mark. I remembered that this morning and it made me feel so sick. I know that it was just his best estimate, but I can't even bear to try and find her heartbeat. Trey is going to have to do it when he gets home. I am so scared.

I was just now reading an article on silentgrief.com and it said that you should always tell people about your child that has died when people ask how many children you have. I am trying to imagine myself saying, "Yes we have one, but she is in heaven." I am also trying to imagine saying, "We have no children." Which would be less terrible to say? They both seem totally horrific. To deny her would be unforgivable and to talk about it will be so painful. I think that the pain is the best way to go. I couldn't ever deny her. How do you say that though? Someone casually asks you if you have children and then you bowl them over with this personal tragedy. I would feel awful if I asked someone about their children and they told me, "We had a little girl, but she is no longer with us." There is a conversation halter.

Another thing that made my day craptastic... I found out that in Texas the fetus needs to be 28 weeks in order to be considered a person. That means no birth or death certificate. Why is this so important to me? It seems so stupid. She will always be a real person to me. I shouldn't give a shit what the state says. I do though. It is like a little piece of paper that tells the world, "hey, I'm a mom too!" I worry about the stupidest stuff. I guess if I worry about the petty crap then I don't think as much about the real stuff.

The stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance) are not very linear. I figured that you go through them and then you are done. Nope. I linger often in anger and depression but I have found myself jumping back to bargaining again. I would trade her life for anything. I try to strike deals with God all of the time. So far he hasn't agreed to any of my terms. It is so stupid really. It is pointless and is just torture for me. Like I don't have even crap going on without me torturing myself too.