10/5/05

Well, today makes it a week since the doctor told us that we have about two weeks. I really like the man, but I sure hope that he's wrong. He even told us that he couldn't say exactly.

We ordered her an outfit to wear in the hospital.
http://www.preemie.com/get_item_pyumxs-sog.htm
I thought that the price was outrageous, but she's worth it. I love it because it is so simple. Trey liked it too.

I just read that October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss memorial day. I sure hope that I can wait until next year to personally observe that one.

Trey and I had a huge talk last night. He finally opened up to me. I was thinking that he was taking all of this so well and I was honestly starting to feel so alone. He wrote me a letter so that he could get it all out. My sister actually suggested it to him (thanks, Jen). He told me that he keeps blaming himself just like I do. We both know that it is so stupid, but we still do it. My doctor referred to it as "mommy guilt." Women always try to take the blame. I guess Trey has daddy guilt. He was also mad at himself for not talking to me about Keiran very much, but being able to talk to people at work that asked about it. I told him that I understood. They aren't so close to the situation. It is easier to talk to someone that is not me sometimes. I totally get it. He hates to see me sad and when we talk, I cry. He thinks this means that he is making me sad. I told him that I am always sad, I just show it with him. He also hates that he can't protect Keiran. She is his little girl and he can't make her better. This kills me to think about. I know that dads and little girls have such a special relationship. This breaks my heart so much. My dad must be feeling the same thing right about now. He also felt guilty for not being able to talk to me before.

Now I am feeling the guilt for thinking that I was alone. In retrospect, that was a stupid thing to think. I know what a sensitive guy Trey is and I should have tried to talk to him myself. I have been so wrapped up in me. I hate when I do that. Thank goodness he was the bigger person and took the first step. I am so lucky to have him.