9/10/05

Well today is the day that we go urn shopping. I am a little scared, but I like being prepared.

We had an u/s Thursday. They didn't really find out anything new. That basically means that we still know nothing. The tech said that they saw her brain and it looks like it is all there. We saw the two kidneys again, they said that they were a little inflamed. Her spine looked good. Everything looked "good." I am not sure why this annoys me so much. I am not annoyed that my child appears healthy. I am thrilled. I guess I am annoyed because I keep getting my hopes up even though I know that I shouldn't. I know what we are facing. Within the next couple of appointments they are going to tell me what is really wrong.

Here is a list of common symptoms

Mental ******ation, severe
Seizures
Small head (microcephaly)
Scalp defects (absent skin)
Small eyes (microphthalmia)
Cleft lip and/or palate
Eyes close set (hypotelorism) -- eyes may actually fuse together into one
Iris defects (coloboma)
Pinna abnormalities and low set ears
Simian crease
Extra digits (polydactyly)
Hernias: umbilical hernia, inguinal hernia
Undescended testicle (cryptorchidism)
Hypotonia
Micrognathia
Skeletal (limb) abnormalities
Taken from http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/e...cle/001660.htm

I keep thinking about all that can/will go wrong. I know I should be focusing on the positive, it is so hard sometimes. It is especially hard when I've hard a rough day and I am feeling worn down. Then my dam seems to break and all of my fears and the reality of what is going on flood my brain. It is overwhelming.

Someone at work asked me if I was trying not to get too attached to her because I know that she will die. My gut reaction was anger. Then I thought about who was talking. Do you know some people that just aren't smart? I know it isn't nice, but it is true. Just their whole way of thinking is so oversimplified. Everything is black and white. Well, that is this person. I dismissed my anger and then told her no. I told her that this child is just as special and wonderful as any other child that has ever been carried. It would be awful for me to try not to love her because she will die. That just means that I need to love her even more while I have her. This seemed to satisfy her. I have dealt with so much ignorance. I think that sensitivity training should be a new required course in high school or college. Or maybe people should just get their heads out of their ass!