10/6/05

Today wasn't a very good day.

I got another child in my class. I am now at the state maximum of 22. 22 kindergarteners with no aide? Sheesh. I have the biggest headache. The first thing that this kids tells me is, "They let me do whatever I wanted at my old school." I said, "This isn't your old school!" The school district that he came from called too. They were telling the office that the mom is a pain in the rear and that there was already an attendance officer after them for all of his absences. One of the first things that she said was, "He throws up when he is nervous and he had a hard time adjusting at his old school." Umm, ok. He adjusted just fine. He is a bit of an odd duck, but I don't care. I can already tell that the kid isn't going to be the problem.

I was reading a magazine that came in the mail today. There was some random article about false eyelashes. My mind wandered and I was picturing Keiran in her little gown that we bought her. I threw the damn magazine against the wall and burst into tears. Trey is now kind of used to this so he just held me while I sobbed.

Her heartbeat was still strong when we checked it this evening. My sister asked me what I was going to do if I couldn't find it. Hmm, I hadn't really thought about that. I told her I guess I'd call the doctor. The fact that I haven't thought about it is further proof that part of me still hasn't accepted it. I don't know how to make it happen for myself though. Do I even want to fully accept the truth? I guess when it happens I will have to. I guess that is what it will take. Some pathetic Pollyanna part of me still wants to believe that it will all be ok. I'm not sure that is healthy.

Trey recommended that we talk to a grief counselor. Once again, where the heck am I going to find one of those?