We had a huge decision to make. I had no idea what to do: continue or terminate.......
That was all that was on my mind I agonized over it for days. I asked people what they would do. I asked people what they thought I should do. My family told me that it would be easiest on me to end it. They thought that I could start healing. At one point I was almost convinced that I should terminate. People told me that there was no way that God could hold it against me. I just didn't know. I prayed night and day for an answer. One morning I woke up and I knew. I knew that I was going to keep my little girl. After I came to my decision I was so at peace. After all of this turmoil, peace. It was wonderful. I woke Trey up and told him that I was going to continue. This was my feeling on the situation. There was already so much stacked against her, how could I, her mother, be against her too? I couldn't. I told my family and they were supportive. I can completely understand why someone would end the pregnancy and I would NEVER judge them for it. It is agony waking up everyday wondering if this is the day that your child will die. Every time I see a healthy child I wonder why me? I hate feeling sorry for myself and I hate this neverending rollercoaster of emotions, but I thik that I would hate never seeing my little girl even more. So many people have told me that I chose the hard road. Was there an easy one?
Trey stood behind me 100% percent. He embraced my decision. I was upset with him at first because he basically left it up to me. He wasn't so callous as to say,"You decide." But he told me that he would support me no matter what I wanted to do. I yelled at him and told him that was a cop out. I now understand that he felt that it was my body and more of my decision. He didn't want to tell me what to do. He is very glad that it is what I decided.
One night I had a dream about her. It was wonderful. She was very small and had dark hair like her daddy. She kept making sucking motions with her mouth like I have seen my infant niece do many times. I woke up so happy again. I haven't had another dream about her, but I hope that there are more to come.
Telling the people at work was hard to do. My close friends already knew, but the rest were in the dark. I talked with my principal (I teach kindergarten) and I decided to sned out n e-amil to the staff. I wrote it up and sent it to the principal to send it out to everyone. He sent it out to everyone while I was at lunch one day. I walked back into the school and the office staff was crying. I just wanted to turn around and run. I thought that I was ready, but this was so hard. People told me that I was brave and I had made the right choice. A few people told me to keep faith and that tests can be wrong. This bothers me honestly. I am very realistic about what is going on. I know that Keiran probably won't ever come home from the hospital. I know that there are going to be major problems. Why would people try and give me false hope? I guess they might have heard stories about incorrect triple screens. The tests that I got done have more than a 99% accuracy rate. I just wish people would think before speaking. I guess trying to give me false hope is better than completely ingnoring me. I have had quite a few people that just stopped talking to me. Oh well, these people I can live without.
Starting school was not as tough as I thought it was going to be. The kids have proven to be a wonderful distraction. None of them have noticed that I am pregnant yet. When one of them notices I'll fill the rest in.
I was walking down the hall on Thursday and this second grade girl that I didn't know looked me straight in the eye and said in a very matter-of-fact way,"You're pregnant." I was so taken aback the only thing that I could think of popped out, "I know." Witty and clever, I know.
I guess the main thing that I am still dealing with is my anger. I have no one to direct it at. I am so angry that this happened to us. I am so angry that my child will never grow up. There is a lot of anger stored up inside and I am afraid that I may explode with it one day. I guess right now feeling the anger is better than feeling the grief. I can cope much better with the anger.
Sometimes I feel like others have already written her off. Someone commented today that there is finally a girl on our birth board. I wanted to yell, "Hey, what about me??????" I know that it was an accident, but it still upset me so much. Silly things upset me so much. This crap mixed with pregnancy is hell on the mood. I am going to sleep now. I guess my two hour nap wasn't enough.
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