9/13/05

I found out that a friend of mine at work is pregnant. I was really happy for her at first and then I got so sad and even a little jealous. She is going to have a healthy baby to love and I am probably coming home from the hospital empty handed. She deserves a healthy baby.....does anyone NOT deserve a healthy baby? I don't begrudge her that at all. I guess I just get to thinking about what could have/should have been and I lose it. I am hanging onto my sanity by a single precious thread lately anyway.

I went to the rheumatologist yesterday and the nurse kept fawning over me. I tried to be happy. Sometimes I tell people and sometimes I just smile. I hate to tell people just because I don't want to see the look in their eyes. The pity mixed with horror. I can't take it right now. Am I ever going to be able to take it?

The teacher in the classroom next to me lost her baby at 20 weeks. She told me a little about her. She went into premature labor and they couldn't stop it. She said that she lived for 5 minutes. Can you imagine only 5 living minutes with your child? So many women have had such similar experiences. It is too much to imagine.

Still none of the children in my class have noticed that I am pregnant. I guess they just think that they have a fat teacher that really likes to eat applesauce and pineapple. Sometimes I feel guilty eating in front of them. It isn't enough to stop me though.

I came home tonight and found out that the city wants to cut down my hackberry tree. Apparently it is in the way of the power lines. I am severely annoyed seeing as how it is my favorite tree. It shades almost my entire backyard. It is gorgeous. I don't have the fight in me so Trey is going to have to take over on this one. Good thing I married a nature lover like myself. He is an Eagle Scout and LOVES the outdoors. I'm just a tree hugger.

I am enjoying being a teacher again. I really hated it a few weeks ago. Too much on my plate I guess. I felt like the kids deserved better. We are all in a routine now and all of us are less cranky. They worked hard today and they played so nicely! No one even had time out (that is huge for my class). I bought some doll house furniture that I told them they had to earn by showing me they could behave. I think I'll stick it in the doll house tomorrow. They are going to be thrilled.