9/15/05

I went out for drinks with the girls yesterday. I hit the lemonade pretty hard. My friend that just found out that she was pregnant was there and some other friends from work. One girl kept bringing up what we should do at the newly pregnant woman's baby shower and what her cake should look like. I thought that it was a little insensitive considering they all know what is going on in my life. I think that everyone wanted her to shut up, but she didn't get the hint. She is missing that very crucial filter between the brain and the mouth. Alcohol only makes it more evident. I think that I'll be skipping the next outing.

The problem is that I think that they should be able to talk about it. They should be excited. It isn't really fair that they should never be able to talk about it in front of me. I know that most of them were completely uncomfortable. I seem to have that effect on people lately. Awkward silences, abrupt subject changes, and sudden remembrances of things left undone seem to be very common these days when I am around.

I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. It is amazing how quickly and easily something can shift my mood. A hundred wonderful things can happen and then one moron shoots off her mouth and I am sulky again. I was never like this. I know that it is just something that I am working through, but at the same time I know that I will never be the same. I guess that can be said for any woman who is having a child though. I know this will change me. I just hope that I like who I am at the end. There isn't really and end though, is there? I am not all too fond of who I am right now. I wonder sometimes if I am too hard on myself, then at other times I wonder if I am not hard enough. I could be imagining things or just being very sensitive. Hell, who knows. I think that this whole entry stopped making sense after "I."

I sure don't feel 24 today.

I haven't felt her move lately. She was bouncing all around last week. I am hoping and praying that she is ok. Maybe she is still just a little too small............or maybe I am a little too fat! My money is on the second.

I finally figured out why pregnant women always have a hand on their stomachs. I thought that it was because they were so surprised by their new girth. It turns out that they just want to hold their baby. Every time I touch my new bump it is like a little "I love you." As long as she knows then I am happy.