1/11/06

I am such a disaster lately. I am blowing up at the slightest provocation (whether imagined or not). I don't even know myself right now. I hate this person. I can logically understand where this intense anger is coming from, but I still hate what it is doing to me. It is also all directed at one person and only one person: my poor Trey. I have had to apologize twice in the past two days for my behavior. This brings the grand total of times I have been a complete jack ass to him with him doing nothing to deserve it to about 3. I am normally pretty sane. He says that he understands and that there is nothing to apologize for. Where did this guy come from? I can do no wrong it seems. I decided to throw a cup of dog food last night because I got so angry. I don't remember throwing it, I just remember dog food all over the floor. He says that I didn't throw it at anything, just down on the ground. This scares the crud out of me. I am not violent. I don't even recall doing it. I need to find a better outlet for this anger that has so suddenly amassed. Normally I write here in my journal, but lately I have found myself censoring what I am writing for fear that people will judge me. This is in no way logical becuase I have never received anything but support. What is going on with me?

The closer it gets, the closer I get to losing my mind. I feel like I am waiting for the worst day of my life. That is an awful feeling. I am a complete disaster. I get on the computer when I get home to unwind. Trey jumps on the PS2/XBOX/Gamecube and we don't talk about it. Maybe that it what I need a big giant talking crying fest. He shies away a lot. He hates to see me cry.

I go to the peri tomorrow and I am always a wreck after that. Then Friday I go to the OB so he can check myu cervix. I don't know what I want him to tell me. Just when I think that I have everything all figured out I change my mind. I love Keiran more than I can ever express. I feel so horrible that I am dreading everything as much as I am. There is only a 10% chance that she'll live through her first year. I have hope, I just need to maintain some sort of level-headedness about it as well. I haven't written her off, I just don't want to be too excited. There are still so many things that can go wrong. One woman I talked to lost her T13 baby to seizures. I never even considered seizures! There are so many things u/s can't see. I just want to try and be ready. It is an impossible thing to do though.

So here I am am caught in this purgatory between hope and despair and feeling like a horrible mother/wife/person for being so lost and scared. Yes scared, that is it. That is the best word for it all. I am so scared