1/02/06

Tough day...not even worth talking about though.

Tomorrow the kids come back. I sure hope we have a little "honeymoon" phase this first week back.

I find myself not being able to focus much on what I need to. I can't focus on work or getting my stuff ready. I can only focus on my family right now. I am on auto pilot and feel like there is a mountain looming in the distance. I can't see it, but I can feel it. I am going to crash soon. I am honestly surprised that I haven't already. It is simply a matter of time I think. Small things feel like tragedies because I am on the edge. At least I can see it coming.

I'll recover though. I know that I will.

I posted on a T13 site. I was asking what I should expect. I asked what did they know about their children before they were born. I asked what do I need to think about that I haven't already thought of. What medical issues cannot be picked up by u/s. I didn't get many answers. I got a lot of supportive replies, but still no answers. I don't know what I was hoping for. So, here I am just sitting and waiting again. I should be happy that I am sitting and waiting. That means that she is still alive. I am happy, but it is torture too. How the hell can I be feeling so many deep emotions at once? Am I insane yet? Maybe I am being melodramatic. That isn't really my style though. I've never had a taste for making life more complicated than it already is.

I am not looking forward to seeing most of my fellow teachers tomorrow. They are all going to ask about her and wonder how I am. I often wonder why they want to know. Some people are drawn to tragedy. It disgusts me. Every time someone has a personal problem in their lives the administration puts a money envelope in the office for them. There will be no money envelope for me. I have left strict instructions with a large-mouthed friend. If they would like to throw their money around then they can donate to the March of Dimes in Keiran's name. The last time that there was a money envelope in the office it was because an aide's son needed to have a boil or something removed from his leg. These people are nuts. If they want to donate their leave to me, well that I don't mind taking. Not going to happen, but a girl can dream, right?