11/04/05

I woke up at 2:45 and couldn't go back to sleep. I was envisioning when she was born. I was wondering if she was going to be alive or not. Then the thought of them taking her away was too much to handle. I must've cried for 30 minutes. I couldn't stop. I never have given a thought to what it would be like to not have her at all. Right now she is safe inside me. There will come a day when she won't be with me. That is just too scary.

I am a mess. One day I want it to all be over and the next day I never want it to end.

Trey and I kinda had it out too. I told him that I have been feeling really alone lately. He never asks me how I am or how Keiran is. He hardly ever even feels my tummy anymore. I know this is only because it is so hard for him. It makes it more really. I still need to him to show that he cares though. I also know that he will regret it later. He told me that he was sorry and basically told me what I already knew. Her kicking makes her even more real. Her being more real is even more painful because we know that she will not be with us for very long.