Warning: Pity party for one...
My principal told me today that I don't even look like I am going to have a baby. I think that he was attempting to be complimentary, but I took it another way....like I always do. All I could think of is how small she is. I hope she's growing like a good little girl. I have threatened to ground her if she doesn't do some growing.
I am so sick of my life right now and that makes me feel so guilty. I have so much to be happy about and thankful for and I am just being a crap head about everything. I just want to sleep for the next year or so and get this all over with. That makes me a bad person. I know it. Some days I just wish it were all over, that whatever is going to happen will have already happened and I can quit wondering and waiting. I am a bad person. There is proof. I am not this strong and wonderful woman that everyone thinks I am. I am so tired of being scared all of the time. It is hell.
I just want to hold her. Can we fast forward to that part? Every day I wonder if this is going to be the day that her heart stops. If I don't feel her kick for a while I sit in the most scrunched up position and wait for her to kick me. This is only one thing that I am coming to obsess over. Where is that peace that I used to have? I guess it has been replaced by the reality of what is really going on. There is also this pathetic part of me that wants so badly to believe that she is going to be ok. I know that the chances of this are meager and I told myself that I wouldn't try to cling to that... Here I am though, obsessing over that!
Like I said....I am so sick of my life right now.
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