12/05/05 part 2

I just got done e-mailing Jennifer to hammer out the details. Ahh, I hate making these decisions. I am so completely emotional too. How can I decide?

Work is sucking. The district decided to NOT hire another teacher and we have 2 new students enrolling tomorrow. That means I will have 24 in my class and someone else will have 25. How can I seriously teach with that many children. Our rooms are small and I have one more seat until I have no where else to put my kids. It is ridiculous. I am so busy redirecting behavior that I am not getting anything done. I am hating my job and it isn't fair to the kids. I work in a high poverty area and these kids need me to be loving and level-headed. I am not currently meeting either of these standards. I am so sick of kindergarten not mattering to the administration. They want these kids reading by the end of the year, yet are shoving them in like sardines. I am truly disgusted.

I had a serious cry fest on Sunday. I was a mess all day. I was really tired of being in pain. My hips have started to spread and my tailbone is killing me. I can't sit. I can't stand. I most certainly can't walk. When I lie down is the only time that I get any relief. You can imagine how possible that is teaching all day. I hardly even sit. So I started whining about feeling bad and then felt so guilty. This pain means that Keiran has made it this far and I sould be so grateful. But there I was *****ing about it. I need to count my blessings and quit whining. She may never even get a chance to breathe and I am crabbing about everything. I feel like such an awful mother.

Seriously. If one more person says that I am waddling, I am going to deck them. Do I tell you that your ass is big or that your shoes are ugly? Then don't comment on how I walk.