12/14/05

It seems all I ever do in this journal is complain. I'm sure that it isn't too much fun to read.

Last night Trey and I talked about when we want our next child. I have given up feeling guilty for thinking about it. I have been reading and thinking a lot about it. I am well aware of the fact that I could never replace Keiran. I would never want to. See will forever be my oldest and my first child. We are pretty much on the same page. We do not want to start right away. I told him with my feelings as they stand right now, I would like to wait a year or so. He didn't want to wait quite that long, but said we will do whatever we need to. I would just like to give myself time to mourn Keiran if she passes soon after birth. I know that sometimes getting pregnant can help the mourning process. We have decided to keep our minds and hearts open and decide after what ever comes to pass is over. Does that make sense?

My doctor gave me some vicodin for my sciatica. I was feeling a little better so I thought I was super woman and walked around all day long. Gosh I am a dumbass. When the meds wear off my right side screams in pain and my ankles don't even qualify as cankles. They are more like thankles. I am so gross. The words "stuffed sausage" come to mind when I look at my legs. It is very hard to stay seated with 24 kids continually testing their limits. I shall do my best tomorrow. Thank the Lord it is the last day of school. I hope that I survive!

I saw the doctor yesterday. Keiran's heart kept skipping beats. I am more freaked out than I let Trey think. I don't want to lose my little girl and especially not while she is still in me. I am supposed to protect her. Sweet baby, please stay strong. My OB told me that I could go into labor any day now and it would be fine with him. He keeps expecting my bp to go up or to have some protein in my urine. I am healthy as a horse though. I think that I am finally having braxton hicks. They are actually quite frequent. Maybe my body is getting ready. I want to hold her so badly.