1/30/06

It has started to really sink in today. This is the first day that family has not been here hovering. It has just been me and Trey all day long.

We signed the papers at the funeral home today to release her body for cremation. I was ok until the actual signing. Right next to my name I had to write my relationship to her. I got to write "mother" for the first time. It was so bittersweet. How can so many things be awful and wonderful at the same time?

My blood pressure has also been crazy today. The last time I checked it was 119/70. The worst it was today was 164/97. I am hoping that my body stops deceiving me soon. I can't put up with anything else.

An all encompassing sadness has come over me. It is awful. I keep pushing the tears back, but it is only a matter of time. Once they start to flow I know that I won't be able to stop them. I just want to be alone, but I know I will hurt Trey if I tell him to just leave me alone. The last thing that I want to do is hurt him. He'll probably end up making me feel better anyway. I'm not sure I want to feel better though. I just want to wallow for a while. Keiran deserves to be mourned.

We got back a few shots from the photographer today too. They were so beautiful. I can't wait to get the rest. Looking at them is yet another thing that makes me so sad and so happy at the same time. God I just want to hold her one last time. I want to feel her soft little cheek once more and kiss her little fingers. I have to keep reminding myself that is just her body, her soul is in heaven. It doesn't console me much though.