1/29/06

I got home from the hospital yesterday. It has all been such a blur. Sometimes I understand what is happening and other times it feels like I am not really in my body. Like I am reading a really sad story about someone else. Then all of the sudden reality sets in for me and it hits really hard all over again.

My family has been amazing. They have been here supporting us continually. I am so blessed to have them. They are willing to talk about her and tell me how much they love and miss her. This is so wonderful for me to hear. It is what I need.

Trey and I seem to alternate times when we have breakdowns, so we have been able to lean on each other. I have never been as in love with him as I am now. I see the wonderful man that he is with every thing that he does. He never left my side in the hospital except to eat or to get some air. He slept on those awful uncomfortable cots even though I told him to go home and sleep. We have hardly been apart since labor started and I have no idea how I will make it through when he goes back to work in a week. I don't even want to think about it.

I'm not quite ready to post about her labor. I want to. I just don't quite want to relive it all just yet. I do want to talk about how beautiful she was. She looked so much like Trey it was amazing. I have always had a hard time telling who an infant looks like, but this was unmistakable. She had my long fingers though. God, she had the most beautiful baby hands I had ever seen. She was so perfect I kept waiting for her to wake up. I examined every little part of her so that I could memorize it. Except for her eyes. I never opened her eyes. That was the only thing I was afraid to look at. She had Trey's little chicken legs too. She was so long and thin. Trey had been calling her our super model baby because of her u/s measurements. He had it dead on. 19" at 4 lbs 12 oz. She also had these big ol' feet like Trey. I was amazed when they took her little footprints. Gosh she looked so much like her daddy. Oh, she did have blonde eyelashes like me and light hair. It was the color of her Aunt Jennifer's hair.

The hospital staff was amazing. They had a very discrete way of letting everyone in the hospital know that we had experienced a loss. There was a little picture of a falling leaf with a drop of water on it that was placed on the door of our room. This way everyone knew what was going on. It was perfect. So many people told us how sorry they were and no one was afraid to ask her name or talk to us about her. One man even said congratulations. I appreciated that so much. Yes, it was so sad and awful, but like Trey expressed to me, this was simultaneously the best and worst day of our entire lives. We got to meet this beautiful little girl that was born of our love and she was taken away too. It was amazing that she made it as long as she did. Though I am a little bit bitter that I could not meet her alive, I finally got to meet her. She was better than I could have ever imagined.