Ok, so hopefully I can finish now. I have been having severe pain since Saturday. I woke up this morning at 12:30 in tears. The pain is awful. I am so glad that I had some vicodin left over from the sciatica. It is the only way that I could sleep. Poor Trey wanted to take me to the hospital. I didn't have a fever so I thought I would be wasting their time.
I can deal with the pain part. I can mostly cope with Keiran being so sick. I can not do it all anymore. I feel like people are tired of hearing about it. This is the point where I need to talk about her the most. I am so scared all the time.
Everyone at work asked me how the version went so I got to retell the story 30 times. It killed me. Then I would get to the part where I say that my doctor wants to deliver her breech and they would always make a face. Why does every woman that has ever been pregnant think that they are an expert? Ok, so that is a gross generalization, but it is how I am feeling.
I am so torn too. He told me all of that bad stuff about her coming breech and then seemed kinda positive on Friday. I don't know what to think and everyone is telling me what to do. That was part of my breakdown on Friday. I just freaked out. I told Trey that I was so pissed that I was the only one that was fighting for her life almost 6 months ago and now everyone was telling me the best way to do things.
Then I venture back into the dark depths of "What did I do to deserve this?" land. It is an awful place to be. I hate self-pity, but I can't stop it. I have done everything that I think is morally sound through this whole pregnancy and I still feel like I am being tested or punished. I have been told time and time again that God only gives you what you can handle.
Ok God, so here's the deal. I am no longer a woman on the edge. I am a woman that has fallen off. I am crashing down just waiting to smack the bottom. I know that You are going to take Keiran from me and I have come to accept (though not like) it. I will see her again. I know this with all of my heart. This terrible journey has been punctuated with problems. This I can also handle. I can deal with physical pain and I have shown that I can mostly cope with the emotional. Trey and I are closer than ever and I have turned to You in my bleakest moments. What I am having such a hard time with is why now there are so many problems. She is breech, her amniotic fluid is low, and there are no signs of her coming into this world. God, my one wish was to meet her alive and it feels like You are taking that from me too. Something has got to give. Either I need a small miracle in the form of a safe labor or I may smack right into that bottom I just talked about. I've tried prayer and I know that there are people across the world praying for us too. Please God, just this one favor and then you can take her to be with you.
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