9/29/05

I just want to curl up into a ball. I am so tired of being strong. It hasn't really gotten me any where, has it?

I am really thankful for the last week. I got to have hope. It was wonderful while it lasted. I got to enjoy her liked I hadn't been able to since we got the news. She deserves that.

When the doctor told us that we only had about two weeks left, I wasn't really surprised. I think that I knew something was wrong. I knew that everything was too good.

Now I am torn between wanting her to fight and make it as long as possible and just wanting her to let go. She has fought and fought in her short little life. Why should she have to fight anymore? Wouldn't it be so selfish of me to want her to hold on? I feel so sick thinking about either possibility. There is no easy way out and that is becoming more and more clear with every passing second.

It didn't really hit me until today. I knew yesterday that I was taking it all too well. I knew that it would finally sink in today. Thank God that no one really asked about my appointment. I think that I might have had a breakdown. There is one coming anyway, but I don't want to do it at work or in front of the kids. I know that they would worry about me and ask a lot of questions. I did tell three people at school what was going on through e-mail. I know that I need to talk to my principal, but he is a very religious man and I just can't take him telling me that God makes miracles. I know this. I am not asking for one. God and I have been talking and we have come to an understanding. Butt out.

My lupus is pissing me off (not that we have ever been friends or anything). Because of it, I run fevers when I have too much stress. Fevers make me cry more easily. Crying increases the pain and prolongs the fevers. It is a wonderful cycle. My arthritis is kicking in too. I can't take anything for it. Aleve is a big no no. When it rains it pours!

I am trying like hell not to feel sorry for myself. I think I may be putting on a good front. I may also be delusional. Keiran is the real victim here. She is the one that isn't going to live. I am trying to remember that this isn't about me. She is such a part of me though.

My heart is breaking for Trey. He hasn't even gotten to feel her kick yet. She weighs 13 ounces and isn't expected to grow any more. He never will get to feel her kick. I have felt the little flutters, at least I have that. I has been kissing my belly and whispering to her more. We are trying to get all of the love in that we can before she leaves us. How do you fit a lifetime of love in two weeks?