9/30/05

It is 3:20 and I am awake. I can't go to sleep because I keep planning Keiran's wake in my head. I am a planner. It is how I cope.

How did everything go from so right to so wrong this quickly? I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I was also making a list in my head of things to be thankful for. Here is what I came up with.

1. I am thankful that I have had this time with Keiran. I am going to be able to hold her and take her picture. Many moms do not have this luxury.

2. This has brought me closer to Trey. We have always been close, but we are at a new level now. I am thankful for him every second of every day.

3. I am closer with my family. I come from a close family to begin with, and two months ago I never would have thought that we could be closer. My mom, dad and sister have been amazing. I am so thankful for them.

4. This has brought me closer to God. I can honestly see why tragedy can make people go the other way though. I have felt His presence in my life and am grateful.

5. Even my in-laws have been great.

6. I have weeded out the losers in my patch of friends. There were many. I have found my true friends in the process. I am thankful for that.

7. I am thankful for pregnancy.org. This site has been amazing and so supportive. This has helped to make things so much easier. I have also "met" some awesome people.

8. This experience has also forever changed me in ways that I don't even understand yet. I know that my priorities have changed dramatically and I have seen it in Trey too. It is a good change. I know that it will take me many years to sort it all out and really understand and see how this has touched our lives.

I asked a friend I made through p.org how long it took her to feel normal again after her son died of T13. She told me that normal is never the same again.