10/24/05

I'm going through journal withdrawl!!! It feels like it has been so long since I have written.

I got a little scared last night because Keiran hadn't been kicking very much yesterday...or today come to think of it. She was just a little less active than normal. Her heartbeat was fine though. I think that her back is in the front now or something. Ha ha, as I'm writing this she decides to give me a good kick like, "I'm here, Mom! Don't worry."

The little girl from work is out of her coma and my niece's blood results came back normal. Wheeew! What a massive relief. Thank goodness. I had a little talk with God and told him that if one more thing went wrong then I was going to have to seriously consider jumping off of the nearest bridge. Some of the stress has been lifted and I feel like I can breathe again.

My mom and I had a great talk on Friday. She told me to quit looking for a reason that all of this happened. She said that I wasn't going to find the answer. She also told me that she knows the guilt that I am feeling. She still blames herself because I have lupus. I started to tell her how dumb that was and then it hit me, I do the same thing with Keiran. I think that was the whole point of her telling me. Moms are pretty smart sometimes. She also told me that she hates to see me in so much pain. Not only is she losing her grandchild, she has to watch her daughter go through hell. Another thing she said was that she is glad that this is happening to me and not someone else. She said another person might not have made the same choices and given Keiran the same chances. She said I am strong enough to deal with this. I needed this talk with her. I felt so much better afterwards. We also got to talk about my dad. He has been pretty silent throughout the whole ordeal. Luckily my dad and I are very similar in the way that we think (We were actually born on the same day at the same exact time, 9-1 @ 11:22pm) and I can understand how he is coping with it all. He may seem like he doesn't care, but I know that he is dying inside. He hates to see me in pain and he hates the thought of losing his grandaughter. He gets so angry. He can't wrap his head around why this is happening. Sometimes when we talk about it he will get up and walk around. He can't sit still because he gets so mad. He'll throw in a question here or there or an exasperated sigh. I wonder how he is going to cope when she comes. I can't bear to think of the pain that my family is going to be in.

I haven't been a very good friend lately. When my friends complain about this or that I have such a hard time being compassionate. I wish that they would choose someone else to complain to for a little while. I am so tired of pretending to be upset for them. I know that I am doing a lousy job. I often cannot hide the looks of disgust when someone says something stupid. I hope people can just write me off. Oh well if they can't.........